When my mother calls me for dinner, I jump. My mind was miles away. Lately, I have been thinking about coming out more and more. Not necessarily to the world, but at least to my mom. It’s always been just her and me, and I’m pretty sure this is the only secret I’ve ever kept from her. It’s starting to feel heavier and heavier, and I would like to get rid of it.
ㅤ
And to Adam, too. He is my best friend, and I want to be able to share this with him. Besides, given how protective of Liam he is, I know he will be fine with it. On the other hand, given how protective of Liam he is, he might not be as fine with it if I tell him that one of the reasons I am so sure that I’m gay is the massive crush I have on his younger brother. Yeah, maybe I should keep that part to myself.
Maybe I should worry about my coming outs one at a time, though. Let’s focus on my mother first. Tonight. If I can work up the nerves.
I make my way to the dining room, thinking about how that conversation could play out, heart beating loud and fast.
ㅤ
My mom made my favorite. It’s not a good sign. It is a long dish to prepare, so she usually keeps it for big occasions, like birthdays. I perfectly and vividly remember the last two times she made that dish out of the blue. Last time, she told me that my estranged father was getting remarried. The previous one, my grandpa had just died.
I don’t like it as much as I used to.
My mother and I don’t need to state the obvious. I know she has something to tell me, and she knows I know. She points at the chair, and I sit down, not knowing what to expect. Hopefully, it will be something along the lines of her having met someone. It would be weird, but I would be happy for her. I guess. I don’t know. The last time she had a boyfriend, I was twelve.
“Caleb, Baby, do you remember what I told you when you started asking questions about your father? When you understood it was going to be just you and me?”
I nod. I remember. I especially remember because I have not been true to it. “Yes. You said that we both would have to stick together. That we should be honest and open with each other.”
“Exactly. So here is the thing. I have not done that. I have kept things from you. And I think you have too.”
I feel uneasy. What does she know? How does she know?
“Mom, I…”
“You don’t have to go first. You don’t even have to tell me. But whatever it is you’re hiding, I can see it’s weighing on you.”
I swallow my saliva, feeling a lump grow in my throat, suddenly very emotional, and I don’t really understand why. I take a deep breath. I can’t cry now. This shouldn’t be something to cry over. “I’ll go first,” I say. If she knows something is on my mind, I think she deserves to know what it is. “Mom, I’m gay.”
Her face just… relaxes. She almost looks relieved. I don’t know what she imagined, but I’m glad it shines a positive light on my coming out.
“You’re gay?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you for telling me, baby.” She takes a bite, and then she adds, “Any boyfriend?”
“No.”
Once more, she looks relieved. I don’t know how to interpret that. I suddenly can’t tell if she’s fine with me being gay or not. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.
“No, I want to hear your secret.”
She nods. “You know I love my job. I always wanted a successful career, not just out of ambition but because I wanted to be able to provide for you. For us. And I know I work too hard, but I also have always tried to put you first, you know that, right?”
“I do. You always have. Mom, I’m happy. I have good friends, decent grades, the swim team, home-cooked meals, a mother who accepts me for who I am…”
She doesn’t look satisfied. “I am happy that you like your life. I really am. And this is why I declined their promotion when they offered it the first time. But they contacted me again, and I realized that I had been thinking about the job ever since I turned it down. If it were just me, I would jump on the occasion. But I am a mother. As I said, I need to put you first.”
“What kind of promotion?”
“Director of Digital Marketing. They would give me my own team.”
“Mom, that’s great! That sounds like a great opportunity! Would that mean more hours? Is that why you’re nervous about taking it?”
“That would mean more hours, yes, but it’s not just that. Baby, the job starts with eighteen months in Sydney.”
“Sydney? Like… in Australia?”
“That’s the one.”
Wow. I mean… wow.
“So… we’d have to move to Australia?”
She sighs. “It is an incredible opportunity. The job, the team, the benefits… For me, eighteen months is nothing. For you… it’s the end of your high school life. I wanted to tell you about it, because I do want this job, and it could be a fantastic opportunity for you too. To live abroad, to discover a new continent, to expand your horizons before university. But even if I take this job, there are other options. You could stay with Grandma.”
“I don’t want that. That would still mean moving, and if I have to start fresh, I’d rather stay with you and make the most of all the opportunities you mentioned.”
“There is always the third option.”
“Which is what?”
“We do nothing. I keep my job here, wait for another opportunity, you keep going to school, and life continues as before. I mean… except now I’ll pay more attention when you tell me you’re going to Adam’s.”
“What? No, Mom… It’s not like that.”
“If you say so. But… regarding Australia… I have to give them an answer soon.”
“How soon?”
“Two days. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ambush you like this, they just came back to me with a very short deadline.”
“And when would we have to move?”
“Just before the Christmas break.”
“That’s in a month!”
“I know, Baby. But I told you, we don’t have to go. It’s your decision.”
“Mom, I… I don’t want the weight of the decision! I don’t want to decide your future for you.”
“And I keep making decisions for your future. We should make this one together. I don’t want to uproot you if you’re not one hundred percent fine with it.”
“I’m not. I can’t be a hundred percent fine with it. But I’m not a hundred percent fine with staying here either. Not if it takes your dream away from you.”
“Fine. Let’s look at it another way. Are you against moving?”
I take a moment to think about it. I can’t lie about this. Not to her, and not to myself. I don’t really want to go. But I also sort of want to. She’s right. Living abroad for eighteen months would be an incredible opportunity. I can’t let high school friendships and familiar patterns hold me back. Maybe it’s time to take another bold step. “No, I’m not.”
“We’re going, then.”
I nod. It’s a good thing. I know it is. Even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.
ㅤ
Today, school is weird. It’s so different looking at things when you know they won’t last. It’s harder to make an effort, too. I try slightly less hard in lessons I won’t be tested on, I don’t force myself to be outgoing with people I won’t keep in touch with…
I have lunch with a bunch of guys from the team and I just sit there, enjoying the conversation but not really taking part, already feeling like an outsider looking in. I guess I always sort of felt this way, being socially awkward and all, but at least now it doesn’t really matter anymore if they think I’m weird, too shy, or whatever.
The thing is… they don’t think that about me. This team never asked me to act differently. They’ve been real friends. I’ll miss them.
ㅤ
Of course, Adam notices that something is off, and after school, he grabs me by the arm and drags me to an empty classroom. “Okay, Cal, why are you acting weird?”
“I’m not.”
“You’re not as good at hiding your feelings as you think,” he counters with an easy smile.
“You’re not as charming as you think you are.”
“That is clearly a lie, and an offensive one. Seriously, what’s up with you today?”
I don’t want to tell him that I’m moving. I don’t want to be the reason why our friendship has to end. That’s when I have the most disgusting thought ever. This one is fair neither to him nor to me.
“I came out to my mom yesterday.” It’s a wicked way to come out to Adam. Part of me is hoping, almost praying, that he will react badly, or even weirdly, and then it will be that much easier to leave him behind. Things will be easier if I don’t have a best friend.
“Oh. Woah. I’m proud of you, man. How did it go?” Damn it, Adam. Why can’t you be at least casually homophobic? Like, at least ask me if I’m sure I’m gay. Or if I’m into you.
“Fine.”
“You don’t look—or act—like someone whose coming out went fine.”
“It did, really, it’s just… I’m moving.”
“Is that why you’ve been weird all day? Because you know you’ll still be my best friend, right? I’ll take a three-hour drive every weekend if that’s what it takes. We can keep training together even if you end up in a different team… wait, you’re not smiling… are you moving out of state?”
“I’m moving to Australia.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I’ll let you be weird for one more day.”
I won’t find another Adam in Australia.
ㅤ
Adam still tries to put a positive spin on it. He tells me about all the things he wants to see in Australia and how he can’t wait to come and visit. He gets very enthusiastic about the cool things I’ll be able to do over there, the hot surfers I’m going to meet…
“Plus, you’ll be able to tell me if the water really swirls the other way in the sink.”
“What?”
“You know, when you empty your sink, there is a whirlpool. My grandma once told me that if you go to the Southern Hemisphere, it actually swirls the other way.”
“That doesn’t sound right,” I say.
“Let’s ask the smartest one,” Adam decides as we reach the car and Liam, who is already leaning against it. “Liam, in Australia, does the water swirl the other way?”
“No.” His answer is short, to the point, and almost a little cold. I know it’s weird, but I actually like that side of him.
“Really? Because Grandma said that it does.”
“And grandma dropped out of school at fourteen and read like one book per year. She is a very nice lady, she bakes really well, she made us relatively fancy clothes when we were kids, but she doesn’t get science. The vortex in your sink is far too small to be impacted by the Coriolis force.”
“Are we supposed to believe you just because you used a fancy word?” Adam asks, unlocking the car.
“No,” his brother replies, opening the door. “It’s always a good idea to second-guess any given fact. Feel free to Google it. But your theory will still be a stupid one. Why are we talking about that anyway?”
Adam looks at me, his eyes telling me that this will be my decision.
“I’m moving to Australia,” I reply, putting my seat belt on. I don’t look back. I don’t want to see on his face that he doesn’t care. Or, worse, that he only has a polite curiosity for the piece of news.
“Wow. That’s… when?”
“Christmas break.”
“So soon?” Adam asks, and I only now realize that we never talked about the timeframe of it all. He makes an unusual turn. Neither toward his house nor mine. "You know what? We need a cake."
"A cake?" I repeat, confused.
"Yes. We are going to celebrate. If we start being sad now, this month is going to suck. So let's try to be positive about it for as long as we can. Australia, man. That's going to be amazing!”
It’s also going to suck. But I understand his point, and I don't want him to be sad about it. I want us to have fun, make the most of the time we have left, and then… I'm not sure about then. So let's do what he says and focus on the now.
Adam drives to my favorite bakery—both because their cheesecake is incredible and because the guy at the counter is pretty hot—and parks. "Are we eating in here or at home?" he asks.
"At home," Liam replies. "Maisie is coming over later, and I need to be there when she shows up."
"Okay. Then the two of you stay here, I'll be right back."
"Is it a forever move?" Liam asks when it's just the two of us.
“Eighteen months.”
“So, in terms of your school life, it is,” he comments. It only now hits me how true that is. As if I understood that before, but I only now feel it.
“Are you excited?”
“Not yet,” I reply, even if I know that the only acceptable answer was ‘yes’.
“I think I would be incredibly excited to get a chance to walk away from here, discover some new place, get an opportunity to reinvent myself… But then again, I suppose it’s different. You’re part of a team, you’re popular, you fit in.”
“You fit in too.”
“Not really.”
“You’d miss Maisie.”
“I would,” he admits with a soft smile, and I like that side of him too. When he stops being angry, lets his guard down, and allows people to see his softer side. “Don’t worry about Adam, though. You guys will keep in touch. The Internet is magic like that.”
“It’s not the same.”
“I suppose not. Will you miss me?”
It was so obviously a joke. He is trying to keep the mood light, and I really appreciate that. But his question punches me right in the stomach. I will miss him. I will miss what we could have been if I ever grew a pair.
Maybe this is a silver lining. If I go now, I will never have to be rejected by my first real crush.
Or maybe it is a silver lining for the opposite reason. I can be brave now. Because the consequences will be minimal. If he rejects me now, I won’t have to stick around and watch him start dating someone else. Things will be awkward, sure, but it’s not like we’re the best of friends anyway. Plus, once he says no, this will be one less thing to lose. I wouldn’t be walking away from a potential future anymore. Because I know it would never have been.
“More than you know,” I reply, and his eyebrow arches.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just that… I don’t know… maybe one day, I would have found the courage to properly start talking to you, and that maybe I could even have gone as far as making you fall for me too.”
I hear Liam’s breath hitch in surprise, and I count two respirations before looking at him through the rearview mirror. His face is the perfect expression of shock. I know I’m being unfair to him, just like I was to Adam earlier. Blurting out something really huge at him, ready to be unkind to any reaction he might have. Trying to kill the crush to make the move easier.
But that’s not the memory of me I want him to have. “You don’t have to say anything,” I assure him.
That’s when Adam comes back, sits in the driver’s seat, and hands a paper bag to his brother. Liam’s eyes are still glued to the reflection of mine. “Adam, we need another minute,” he says.
“What?”
“Go get some fresh air, go buy something else, go for a swim, I don’t care, but get out of the car.”
Adam seems on the verge of replying something, probably something rude, but he picks up on the tension in the car and mumbles something about being back in five minutes.
“Did you just come out to me?” he asks as soon as the door closes, focusing on what feels like the least important piece of information.
“I… guess I did.”
“I would never have thought…”
“That I’m gay?”
“No, true, but… I also wouldn’t have thought you were in my league.” That sentence surprises me. I wish I could see myself through his eyes because I didn’t know anyone could think that about me.
“Australia, huh?” he asks as if he only now realizes how far that is.
“Yep. My mom got a job there.”
“And you leave in a month?”
“Five weeks.”
Liam closes his eyes and leans back, head pressed against his seat. He looks like he’s in pain, and I really want to hold his hand. Not even in a romantic way, just to comfort him. But it’s not the relationship we have, and doing that right now would just be… confusing.
“I wish I had known that ages ago,” Liam says with his eyes still closed. “For so long, you have been ‘the forbidden crush’. The boy who was too good for me, and who was my brother’s best friend anyway. Maybe if we had tried something earlier…”
I try not to let his words completely overwhelm me, but I’m not doing great. Is he saying that he likes me back? It is the worst possible outcome. Days ago, this would have been the best news I’d have ever gotten, but now… now, it’s too late. Now I just added a whole dimension to the future I’ll never get to experience.
And I am doing that to him, too.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Are you kidding?” Liam opens his eyes and finally looks at me. “This is the best thing anyone has told me since… ever. It’s just…”
“Too late.”
“Yeah,” he whispers. Outside, it starts raining, so Adam comes back in. We get back to his place in heavy silence and he doesn’t ask about it. I almost want to call my mother and tell her I changed my mind. But she would already have accepted the offer by now, and… I can’t really ask her to give up on her career because I met a boy. What if we don’t work out and break up soon? Then I would just have been selfish.
Besides… there is still the slight possibility that he played along exactly because it’s too late to start anything anyway. It was a very low-stakes claim.
ㅤ
“What happened between you and Liam in the car?” Adam asks as he hands me a slice of chocolate cheesecake.
I take the plate, but I’m not particularly hungry. “Nothing,” I reply. I don’t want to talk about it. I want to forget it happened until I have already moved and am in a place to cherish the fact that my first crush liked me back instead of spiraling about what could have been.
Adam drops it. I know he’ll ask again, but probably not today.
“Can I tell you something?” he says instead. He waits for me to nod to continue. “I’m nervous about going to college in the fall. For all the usual reasons. But also because I knew I would be leaving you behind. And I know the team would have had your back, I know you would still have had friends, but… I also know it’s hard for you, sometimes. People, I mean.”
I smile at him. “So what? You’re relieved that I’m the one leaving?”
“Yes and no. I’m still leaving Liam behind, and even if I know he probably doesn’t need his big brother to protect him, it’s… yeah, anyway, this isn’t about him. So. I might feel a bit less guilty, but I’m still worried about you. I’m sorry if that sounds patronizing. I don’t want it to come across that way, I just… It stresses me out a little bit, knowing that you will have to carry on not just without me, but without any of your friends.”
“I don’t think it’s patronizing. I think you know me well and you care. I appreciate that. To be fair, I’m a bit terrified too. Growing up, I never really had friends, not close ones anyway, but I was fine with it. Then came you. And now I don’t know if I would feel fine being lonely.”
“Then you need to let people in. They’re not as bad as they seem, and you are greater than you let on. Worst-case scenario, if Australian people aren’t good enough for you… I’ll be a Skype call away.”
This is starting to get a little cheesy, and I think we both find it equally nice and uncomfortable.
That’s when Liam shows up. Maisie still hasn’t arrived, and there is a chance that he was just bored. Part of me, though, hopes that he has another reason for joining us. I nearly sigh in relief when he says, “Adam, do you mind if I borrow Caleb for a minute? Maybe a bit more.”
“Seriously, what’s up with you two?”
Liam doesn’t reply. He just glares at his brother, who shrugs and walks away with his slice of cheesecake. “Cal, I’ll be in my room whenever you’re fed up with Grumpy Face.”
“I do not have a grumpy face!”
“Yes, you do. That’s why you don’t have a boyfriend.”
Adam leaves the room before Liam can retaliate, and it’s now just the two of us. My stomach hurts, a weird mix of nerves, hope, uncertainty, and a visceral reaction to the way he is looking at me. “I’ve decided that this is ridiculous,” he says out of the blue. It sort of sounds like he prepared that sentence, but that it didn’t come out quite the way he wanted it to.
“What is?”
“You and me.”
“Oh. Then… I guess it’s a good thing it won’t happen.”
“What? No, not that. I mean… it still doesn’t make much sense to me, but I… no, the ridiculous part is finding out that we are both into each other and deciding to ignore it for over a month. I don’t think I’ll be able to think about anything else until you’re gone. Probably longer.”
“Liam, we can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Five weeks, Liam. What are we going to do but build ourselves a massive heartbreak?”
“If there is heartbreak, that means that what came before was worth it.”
I mean. I can’t argue with that.
“It sounds like a terrible idea,” I say, but my voice doesn’t sound as confident as it did a moment ago.
“Is it bad that I want to pursue it anyway?” I look into his warm eyes, and I know I’ve lost. “Look, I’ve asked Maisie not to come, and… Do you want to go somewhere else?”
“My mom isn’t home,” my lips say on their own. His face lights up like a Christmas tree, wiping away all the bad feelings about leaving my best friend behind.
ㅤ
It’s so out of my comfort zone. Having a boy I might kiss in my house. I show him around, and it really feels like I’m stalling. Which I am. I have never kissed anyone, and it almost feels like it’s too much. Like I won’t be able to do it. At the same time, though, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything so bad in my entire life.
“And that’s my room.” I feel stupid. Why would I say that? It’s clearly not my mom’s room. Or the kitchen. But Liam doesn’t seem to notice. He looks around like he is trying to take it all in, analyze what it says about me. I very surprisingly don’t mind.
Suddenly, Liam is not looking at the room anymore. He’s looking at me. And he’s slowly walking towards me. I can’t do anything but stare at him the entire time. When he stops right in front of me, I let my fingers find his. Our touch gives me butterflies, and the way he looks at me gives me chills.
I don’t know which one of us moves first, but my eyes shut the moment our lips touch.
It was the worst idea ever. I’m never going to be able to leave, now. How could I now that I know such a feeling exists? But Liam was right. It will only hurt because what happened first was worth it. I pull him in closer. If I’m going to have my heart broken, I’m sure as hell going to make sure that I will have made the most of what came before.
ㅤ
Week -4
This last week has been incredible. Liam constantly occupies my mind. And the kiss. Sure, there have been more kisses—and make-out sessions—since, but that first one is especially etched in my memory.
Liam and I are exchanging looks at school. My eyes find him immediately whenever I enter a room. If I thought I was into him before, I had no idea. He skips the astronomy club, and I skip swimming. Training doesn’t matter so much anymore, now that I won’t be competing in the next event. So, instead, we find places to lock lips, like the hormonal, running-out-of-time teenage boys that we are.
I am almost afraid of how intense it has been between us, but it’s like we are taking everything while we still can. I refuse to think about the—not so distant—future. There is only the present, and it’s great.
ㅤ
Week -3
When Liam casually mentions to his parents that I am his boyfriend, his mother looks at me like she’s never seen me before. I think that, on some level, I do not fit the cliché she built in her head of what Liam’s boyfriend would look like.
I don’t mind. Liam called me his boyfriend, and it feels like the biggest high of my life. Then his mother asks us if we are serious, and my high starts free-falling until it crashes on the ground and shatters.
Deep down, I know we would have been. If I had gathered the courage just a day earlier. If I had asked my mom to give me a bit more time before making my decision. If… If the universe didn’t hate me.
ㅤ
At Thanksgiving, my mom says that she is grateful for her dream son, who allows her to go after her dream job. I say that I’m grateful for Liam. I see that it breaks her heart a little bit, but I need to share that with her. This odd mix of wonderful and awful feelings that my relationship with Liam makes bloom in my heart. I see in her eyes that she gets it.
ㅤ
Week -2
Liam and I go on a date. A real date. As boyfriends. The evening is perfect. Liam is perfect. I am falling. Hard. It’s terrifying.
Some days, I think that I shouldn’t have said anything. When we are together, everything is wonderful. Whenever I’m alone, at home and packing, the thought of us is torture.
At this point, I think Liam is so deep under my skin that if he asked me to stay, I would. Which makes no sense. It’s been three weeks.
ㅤ
Liam meets my mom, and it goes incredibly smoothly. What could have been is killing me.
ㅤ
Week -1
The guys from the team throw me a goodbye party, and it gets me so emotional that I have to fight some snaky tears that almost manage to make it out. Almost. They have been so supportive since my coming out, and it made me realize that they all feel like real friends more than just teammates. I don’t know how I never truly saw that before. The whole team is there, but they also invited Clara, Liam, Maisie, a few guys from my classes… It’s perfect. They all say something about me, and I have never felt so seen and valued before. I think it’s an evening I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life.
At some point, I tell Adam that I’m sorry we haven’t spent more time together lately. He jokes that it hurts that I would ditch him for his little brother, but that he gets it. I’ve learned how to speak Adam, and in his language, that meant that he loves me and that he’ll miss me. That he forgives me for what I’m doing to his brother, and that the ‘if you break his heart…’ kind of threat does not apply here. This time, I can’t keep my tears inside, and we hug. Longer than socially acceptable for boys, but screw that.
Before leaving, Maisie hugs me too, and I can feel a tear on her cheek. We’ve never really been close, so I had no idea this would affect her that much. We make promises we know we won’t keep. As much as I mean it right now, I probably won’t keep in touch with her. We barely spoke when I was three chairs away, so ten thousand miles…
ㅤ
Day -1
The taxi is picking us up tomorrow morning at eleven. The house doesn’t really look like it, though. My mom only packed the essentials. You don’t move to another continent the same way you move cities within the same state. My grandma is going to be in charge of renting the house while we’re away. While mom is away, at least. When we come back, I’ll be going to college. This is probably my last night in my childhood home.
Although… the pictures are gone, the clothes and toiletries are packed away, we don’t have the Internet or TV anymore. It feels like a house I know, but it’s not a home anymore.
It’s not sad yet, though, because Liam is here. Adam left an hour ago, probably to give us a bit of alone time before there’s not even that left. Liam is sitting on my bed, and he promised he would stay until his curfew. We’re both ignoring the truth hanging over us. It’s the last time we’ll see each other.
I look at him and I say the one thing we both know but never verbalized. There was no need to cast a shadow on our too-short romance. But now it needs to be said. “Liam… I don’t think we should try long distance.”
“I know.”
“It’s not… It’s not that I don’t want to,” I promise. “You’re still the best thing that ever happened to me, but…”
“But it’s eighteen months. And then college. And then we’ll just be people who grew apart.” I feel my heart being ripped open, and that’s it. I’m crying. There is no sobbing or hiccups, just silent tears that I can’t keep in. I can see their twins on Liam’s cheeks. “But we’ll still message, right?” he asks.
“Of course! Everyday. I… honestly don’t remember how I used to cope without you in my life.” And unlike the promise I made to Maisie, I feel like I will be able to keep this one.
“There used to be so many negative thoughts in my head, but with you… it’s quiet,” he tells me, and I just want to hold him tight and promise that everything is going to be okay. But we need to start letting go.
“If we go long distance, we’ll just hold each other back. It wouldn’t be fair, and it would end with one of us resenting the other. But as friends, I know we can make it.”
“I know it too. I’m so your BFF. Well… second to Adam, but still.”
I laugh. Despite the tears, it genuinely is a happy laugh.
“Can we start being friends tomorrow?” he asks. I nod, and we kiss like tonight is all we have. Because it is.
ㅤ
Liam and I are lying on my bed, side by side, holding hands, listing all the things I definitely have to see or do while I’m there, when there is a knock on the door, and my mother comes in. “I was just on the phone with Liam’s father,” she says.
“Is it time for me to go?” Liam asks, and my heart starts racing. Not now. Not yet. I’m not ready.
“No, we agreed you can spend the night here. If you want.”
Liam and I exchange a surprised look. “I would love to. Thank you.”
She nods, but she doesn’t leave right away. She hesitates before saying, “Boys… when we’re upset, we don’t always make the smartest decisions.” We all know what she means. Yet when she leaves, she closes the door.
ㅤ
The house is quiet. Liam and I are both in our underwear and old T-shirts that I’m going to leave behind. We are in bed, spooning. We should be getting some sleep but I’ve never felt more awake.
Apparently, he isn’t tired either, because he turns around and his eyes are alert. He puts his forehead against mine and lightly brushes my face with his fingers.
Soon, Liam and I are kissing like it’s breathing, and I can feel that it’s not like the other times. It feels different. More serious. The kisses are more urgent. The hands don’t touch the same way. His or mine. Our breathing is different, too.
“Liam… maybe we shouldn’t… maybe we should slow down… We won’t be able to take this back, and I don’t want you to regret it. Not in the morning, not in a week, not ever.”
“Caleb, the only thing I might regret is not sharing this with you.”
I nod. I feel exactly the same way. We are rushing our entire timeline, and maybe this is wrong, but… There is still nothing I have shared with him that I would want to take back. And here I am, eager to share more, desperate to do it while I still can. “I don’t have…”
“I do,” he answers, and my eyes go wide.
“I didn’t bring it to… it’s been in my bag since… I…” I kiss him to shut him up and take him out of his misery. He kisses me back, and we barely break apart as we get undressed. We kiss, and laugh, and whisper loving words, and share reassuring smiles as we walk through the awkwardness, the technicality, the novelty of intimacy.
It’s better than anything I imagined. Not just physically.
ㅤ
It’s really late. We’re only a couple of hours away from sunrise. We’re still wide awake, limbs entangled, talking about everything.
“I can’t believe you’re going to replace me with a surfer,” Liam says.
“I don’t think that’s my type.”
“Oh? And what’s your type?”
“I don’t know… Incredibly smart boys who are a little quiet with me, sassy with their siblings, fun with their best friends, and a little mad at the world.”
“That’s oddly specific.”
“I guess I have a very specific type.”
Liam rubs his face against my chest, and I hold him tight. “You know,” he says, “I never thought that you would ever look at me, even if you were gay. I’m so glad I was wrong, but I feel so stupid for letting insecurity keep us apart.”
“All that matters is that we found our way to each other. Even if we weren’t meant to last. I can’t bring myself to regret it. I don’t think I ever will. Even if this is going to hurt so bad. Because you brought me more joy than I thought was possible.”
“We are meant to last,” he tempers. “Just not the way we’d like.”
“I am going to miss you so much,” I whisper.
“You’ll be busy discovering a new world and building yourself a new life. I’ll be stuck here, in my mundane everyday life, surrounded by all the memories of you. Trust me, I’ll miss you more.”
I kiss him. What other answer could I give him?
ㅤ
We are waiting for the taxi, sitting on my porch steps. Liam is by my side, but we don’t hold hands. We don’t touch at all.
That’s it. We’re not boyfriends anymore.
I am aware of every molecule of air between us.
ㅤ
The taxi arrives, five minutes early, and after putting all the suitcases in, my mother goes in to give us the space to say goodbye.
We hug and, there and then, I know I won’t have the strength to let go. After a while, Liam says, “Ten.” I reply, “Nine.” We keep counting down in our heads, and when we reach zero, we both let go.
I get in the cab without looking back. I don’t think I would be able to handle looking back.
ㅤ
I am at the airport, about to board, and I get my phone out of my pocket to switch it off.
I see the notification and my heart stops. I have a text from Liam. I read it and my heart starts again, double the speed.
ㅤ
Caleb, one last thing I need to say before I’m not allowed to anymore. I love you. Liam.
ㅤ
I don’t have time to reply now, but I’ll do it as soon as I get the opportunity.
He’s right. I have to say it back. Before I’m not allowed to anymore.
ㅤ
I know this is going to be an incredible adventure. Australia is the perfect chance to discover another country, another culture, different mindsets, while not stepping too far into the unknown. I’m going to grow so much over there, I just know it. And it’s not forever.
But my mind is stuck on Liam. I would give all of these opportunities away for Liam. Who I secretly wish would wait for me for those eighteen months. But then what? We probably won’t end up on the same campus anyway.
We objectively can’t wait for each other for over five years. Not when all we have to cement the relationship is a couple of weeks as boyfriends and a few kisses. But there was last night. This amazing night that will stay with me forever. That links Liam and me forever. I’m so happy he gave that to me. It’s still not enough to make us defeat the odds, though.
We are going to be amazing friends, but that’s all we can be without resenting each other for all of the missed opportunities. I would rather have a wonderful new best friend than a wonderful ex-boyfriend that I couldn’t keep.
It was the logical decision. It was the best decision.
Yet, when the plane takes off, it feels like my heart stays on the ground. It hurts like hell to be ripped apart from it, and I have to use everything I have not to start sobbing and crying. I definitely would if I didn’t think it would crush my mom.
ㅤ
Liam was right. It hurts that much because everything that happened before was worth it and incredible.
Let’s focus on that for now. Let’s not be sad that our story ended. Let’s be happy we got a chance to live it.