My mom is always weird when Caleb spends time at our house. She is not rude or anything, she’s just weird… I tried not to see it at first because she used to love having him around. She only became awkward when she found out that he is gay.
ㅤ
It happened a month or so ago. That was all the school was talking about. The star swimmer was gay. I don’t know when he came out exactly, but the story had reached me and Maisie by lunch. After school, it was already everywhere. Everyone was talking about it. A few people praising him for being strong enough to talk about it, a lot gossiping, a couple being dicks about it, and a few just making jokes. Mostly about the locker rooms. Which, in a way, was as disgusting as the plain homophobic comments.
That evening, Adam skipped practice. He went to the principal’s office and reported every single kid who made any kind of homophobic comment that day. I don’t know how he presented it, but the school followed this up brilliantly. It sent a strong message. The school was not going to turn a blind eye to bullying, and the swim team would support Caleb.
When I got in the car that same day, before anyone could even mumble ‘hi’, Adam turned around and told me that the car would be a safe space and that we wouldn’t discuss the revelations of the day, ever, unless Caleb brought it up. He also told me that he expected me to avoid taking part in any kind of gossip at school. I quite snappily asked him who exactly he thought I was and he apologized, saying that it had been a long day.
The truth is I didn’t really blame him. I was incredibly proud and grateful that he would defend his friend like this, especially for that reason. It made me feel safe. It made me think that, maybe, it would be alright for me to come out as well. During the entire drive home, I felt on a little cloud. Caleb had paved the way for me to be brave too and the reactions around him, although some unpleasant, were better than I had feared.
Of course, it’s all different for him. He is popular and all, but… if he managed to largely impose the fact that it’s okay, then it is definitely going to make things easier for me.
But that’s just school.
Because home isn’t like that.
At home, that evening, when our parents asked us about our day, like they do every single day, Adam very innocently, and looking back maybe naively, told them about their day. My mother nearly froze, looking surprised. “Really?” she said. “Caleb is gay?”
“Yes,” Adam replied, and it was clear in his tone that he had already understood he shouldn’t have said anything. “Why do you sound so surprised?”
“I don’t know, I just never pictured him to be the type. You know… he is sporty, quiet, very boyish.”
“And gays are supposed to be unfit, outgoing, and girly?” Adam asked. My big brother was definitely my hero at that moment.
“Oh, please, Adam, you know what I mean.” It was clear on Adam’s face that he did not understand what she meant, or maybe that he understood it better than she did, but he didn’t comment. He seemed to understand that it was a lost battle, and he decided to brush it away since Caleb wasn’t there.
In the meantime, I was there, taking it all in. I’m definitely not outgoing, I’m not overly girly, whatever that means, but I am definitely unfit. I fit at least one of my mother’s clichés. And that’s just the ones she verbalized there and then when thinking about what Caleb isn’t.
Sam asked what it meant that Caleb was homosexual and Adam jumped in to answer before my mother got a chance to. “It means that when he will be ready to date, he will have a boyfriend,” he answered.
And then Sam asked the questions that probably still gives my mother nightmares. “Will that be you?”
Adam laughed. “I would love to, but I already have a girlfriend.”
My mother stared at him and asked: “Is that the only reason? Are you one of those bisexuals? Is he converting you?”
“Mom,” he replied, sounding cold and almost like he was warning her, “be careful about saying things like ‘those people’, one could think that you are not a tolerant person.” He didn’t attack any of her other points, probably once again thinking that there was no use, and she rolled her eyes at him, as if saying that she is a tolerant person. I think that is one of the issues, nowadays. People can say or think the most awful things and still think that they are the most tolerant people. I understand bias. We all have it, and there is probably some intolerance in all of us. But my mother is one of these people – here I am, borrowing her nasty words – who won’t question themselves, try to learn better, and even get defensive when told they might be wrong.
Sam saved me from my dark thoughts by asking me, “And you?”
My stomach clenched immediately. Was she asking me if I was gay too? “And me what?”
“Will you be Caleb’s boyfriend?”
“Probably not,” I replied, but I loved her for not thinking that the idea of him looking at me and liking what he saw was laughable.
“Why not? I like Caleb. He is always kind to me, and if you were his boyfriend, I’m sure he would always kind to you.”
Some days, I really wish I could see the world through her eyes. Everything would probably be more beautiful. “You’re right,” I agreed. “I would love to be Caleb’s boyfriend if he asked.” Adam seemed pleased that I took his best friend’s side on this, probably not realizing that I was just voicing one of my deepest wishes.
“But that would probably make Maisie really sad,” my mother told Sam.
“Mom, Maisie is not my girlfriend.”
“Yet. But there are definitely sparks between you two.” There are definitely no such things.
“Mom, you know boys and girls can be friends and not fall in love, right? Just like you can relax. I can still be friends with Caleb without him ‘converting me’. Even if that was a thing, I really don’t think he’d be interested.”
“You never know. Don’t lead him on, that would be cruel. Speaking of, won’t that be an issue with the swim team?”
Adam sighed, as if he couldn’t see any way out of this surreal conversation. So I decided to take this one. “Don’t worry, Mom. I’m sure the school will find a way to make Caleb feel safe no matter what arises.” Adam looked at me like he was grateful for this. I really wanted to find the strength to tell him that I was the one grateful to have him in my family. That it was comforting to know that there was someone there that would support me when I would be ready to come out. That it was important that there was someone here to help Sam grow kind and tolerant when even I was too much of a coward to do so.
But I wasn’t ready. So I didn’t say anything. My dad started talking about baseball and the subject was closed.
ㅤ
But as I said, now she is all kinds of weird when Caleb is home. Especially when they are in Adam’s room. She has this new ‘open door’ policy that we never used to have, not even when Clara was home, her voice is always a little high-pitched when she talks to him, she doesn’t ask him if he wants to stay for dinner anymore, and she now asks him very random questions. For instance, if he enjoys watching figure skating in his free time.
I really can’t come out in this family, can I?
There is a knock on my door and I look up to see Adam. “Everything alright?” I ask him.
“Yeah, I just wanted you to know that Caleb’s mom is away this weekend for work so I asked mom if Caleb could sleep over. She said yes, but…” he doesn’t seem to be able to find the words to finish that sentence.
“But she is probably going to make it all super weird?” I offer.
“Yeah. Caleb’s mom doesn’t want to leave him alone for three days and I don’t think Caleb would be comfortable staying at anyone else’s house. Can you help me make sure that Mom backs off?”
“No problem,” I reply although I have no idea how I am going to pull this one off. Because if I knew how to make mom more understanding, I would have tried a long time ago.
ㅤ
That evening, my mother comes to my room for a chat. She asks a little about the astronomy club, Maisie, school in general, all of it. Then she brushes the subject she really came to discuss. “So… We are going to have Caleb over for three days.”
“I know. Adam told me.”
“I just want to make sure that you are comfortable with it,” she continues.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“It’s different, having someone like that around at school, and at home.”
I cringe so hard at the ‘someone like that’ but I don’t say anything. “Not really.”
“Okay, then. I’m proud of you for being so open-minded. We will discuss sleeping arrangements later. I think it might be better if your brother slept in your room so he could give Caleb his privacy.”
“Sure. Whatever.”
She is unbelievable. What does she think would happen in that bedroom? I hate those stereotypes putting gays as predators. Has she met Caleb? How can she imagine for one second that this sweet, shy boy would overstep anyone's boundaries? If anything, I’ll be the one thinking about him constantly while he’s there…
But I can’t tell her any of that. Just like I can’t tell her that no, Maisie and I won’t ever be an item. Even if she would potentially be the perfect fit for me. Nor that until fairly recently, there was this boy in the astronomy club that I sort of had feelings for…
And I would like to be able to share all of that with my mom. I probably wouldn’t tell her most of this because it is personal, but it would be nice, liberating even, to have the option.
“Are you okay?” she asks. “You have seemed a little down lately.” And this hurts because I can see in her eyes how much she cares. But what would that change into if she found out what is currently stressing me out?
“I’m just a bit tired.”
She puts her hand on my forehead. “I hope you’re not coming down with something…”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
“Okay. Let me know if you need anything.” I don’t know if that’s true…
ㅤ
Caleb arrives on Friday evening and my mom decides that it should be board game night. I genuinely don’t know if she is trying to be a good host or if he is uncomfortable letting Adam and Caleb spend time alone.
As we are in the middle of a Monopoly game, Sam asks Caleb: “Who will be your boyfriend?”
Caleb’s eyebrows jerk up in surprise. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Adam said that you are gay, and it means that you will date a boy.”
Caleb glances nervously at my mother, but she is conscientiously counting her money, most likely to avoid taking part in this conversation.
“That’s right. But I don’t know yet who will be my boyfriend.”
“Liam said he would be your boyfriend if you asked.”
Oh, God, please kill me now.
Caleb looks at me, surprised, and I’m sure that I’m blushing. I don’t know how to tell him that I just said that to be polite in that conversation. I don’t know how to tell him that if he did ask, I would still be his boyfriend.
“But we told you,” my mother says, “that it would make Maisie sad.”
“Why?” Sam asks.
“Mom, stop bringing Maisie into this,” I say. “She is not my girlfriend and she would be thrilled if I had a boyfriend.”
My mother rolls her eyes at me. “She would probably find it odd and out of character.”
Now. Now would be the perfect time to tell them. But I can’t. Not with Caleb in the room, not with Sam trying to play matchmakers, not with my mother being so adamant that I will get a girl soon and that it will be Maisie, not with my father who doesn’t seem to care about any of this…
Adam. I think I could tell Adam. But he is already busy enough helping his best friend navigate his own coming out. Perhaps I could tell Maisie on Monday.
Just as I think I have made up my mind, Samantha gives me the push I needed. “So what do you want? A boyfriend or a girlfriend?”
And I can’t lie to her sweet innocent face. “A boyfriend,” I reply and she just nods, happy about this information, not realizing that the rest of the table just went silent.
“Hey, Sam, do you want to go brush your teeth and get ready for bed?” my father asks, taking part in the conversation for the first time tonight.
“We’re not done with the game.”
“We can finish tomorrow.”
Sam looks at Adam and when he nods, she leaves the table. I had never noticed that before but this is actually really telling. When did Adam become the person we turned to rather than our parents? And do our parents notice what is happening?
“I’m going to go do some homework,” Caleb says, reading the room.
And it’s now just my parents, my brother and me. “Were you just being polite and inclusive?” my mother asks and the hope in her voice is killing me. I understand why some people decide to spend a lot of their lives pretending. Maybe I should have waited until college.
Too late now. The words finally made it out, I won’t lie and take them back in. Even if, right now, the closet looks more comfortable than the alternative.
“No,” I say, voice weaker than I would have liked, looking down at the now discarded Monopoly.
But then I take a deep breath, look up straight into my mother’s eyes and say, more firmly this time: “I’m gay too.”
And in my mother’s eyes, I don’t see any rejection. I see only love. But it is veiled by the fear of something she doesn’t understand, of a life she doesn’t want for me.
She opens her mouth and I know that whatever she is going to say, even if she thinks will be supportive, will not be what I need right now. “We don’t need to talk about it,” I say. “I just thought you should know.”
And I abandon the table too.
ㅤ
When I wake up on Saturday, my dad already took Sam to karate, and Caleb and Adam have already left for swimming practice. They must really like swimming.
I get to the kitchen and my mother is making me breakfast. “Sit down. We need to talk.”
I don’t know if I’m in trouble or not. She hands me a plate and it’s my favorite, but… at the same time it’s never good news when she says that ‘we need to talk’.
“Your father and I want to help you with this phase you are going through.”
And then we spend half an hour talking about support. She wants me to go see a therapist, and the be completely fair to her she doesn’t seem to think it will ‘cure me’ but that it’s something that might help with coming out in school, but I decline and she accepts that. She wants me to go see a doctor when I start dating to have some accurate sex education as she doesn’t trust the one given at school – rightfully so – and she doesn’t feel confident about providing it, she also wants us to set rules for dating. They are way harsher than Adam’s, but I don’t have any dating prospect at the moment so it seems like an unnecessary fight right now.
I can tell she isn’t thrilled about the idea but I get a generally supportive vibe from her. At least until she says: “One more thing and we won’t have to speak of any of this again.” Never speak of this again? Is that what it’s going to be, then? Tell them when I date so they can take me to a doctor but never mention it again otherwise? “He will obviously stay this weekend because we committed, but I don’t think Caleb should sleep over after that.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“You did let Maisie sleep over when you thought I was into her, and Adam can’t have his friend over because… you know what, I don’t even want to say it out loud.”
“You are being very immature about this.”
“Mom, can we just… leave it at that?” Somewhere deep down, I hope that I will be able to educate her with time. But I know that it won’t happen right now.
ㅤ
That evening, Sam insists that we finish the game – she didn’t let anyone clean the board up during the day – and this is the fakest conversation we ever had. Everyone is trying so hard to only bring up the most casual topics. I’m not even joking. So far we discussed the weather, the best Christmas meal, favorite wild animal, the upcoming swimming competition… nothing acknowledging what I said yesterday, or any topic that might get slightly political.
And I know that some people have it way worse, but… there is this unpleasant feeling in my stomach that makes me feel a bit sick and I don’t think it’s ever going away now.
ㅤ
It’s the middle of the night, I’m thirsty and Adam is snoring. As I am on my way downstairs, I notice some light under Adam’s bedroom door.
This is very out of character, but I end up knocking softly on the bedroom door. He probably just fell asleep with the light on… but then I hear soft footsteps behind the door and then Caleb is there, perfectly awake, looking politely curious.
“Hey,” I say, not knowing what to say because I have no idea why I just knocked. “Can’t sleep either?”
“No.”
“Do you want a chat?”
He smiles. “Sure. But maybe not in your brother’s room. I’m sure your mom would have a heart attack if we both ended up in a room with a bed.”
“I’m willing to risk it,” I say, realizing too late that the joke was probably too dark. But Caleb is still smiling. He hasn’t moved, though. So I nod and walk toward the stair. I hear him follow me and we end up in the kitchen.
“Water?” I ask him.
“Please.”
I give him a glass and he sits on the kitchen counter. I lean against it right next to him. “I am sorry for this incredibly awkward weekend,” I tell him. “My mom can be a lot and what I said didn’t help.”
“Your mom… your mom is struggling with her values. That sucks, but she still loves you. She didn’t kick you out. She took me in this weekend… She isn’t perfect, but I don’t think she’s a bad person either. As for your coming out… don’t even worry about me. It’s your timeline, it’s your moment, and I have zero right to have an opinion about it. But, if you must know, it didn’t make me feel awkward.”
“Thanks. Still. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Really.”
“You’re out to your mom, right?”
“I am.”
“How did she react?”
“She was great. I think she already knew.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“No, but she was completely unsurprised and some parts of her reply felt like a speech, almost rehearsed. Like she had spent a long time thinking about what she would say to me if she had the chance.”
“That sounds miles away from anything I got this weekend.”
“At least your parents are still here. They clearly struggle with that side of you, and will surely create some shitty situations in the future, but they are still here. They still care. Tonight, your mom asked you about astronomy because she knows you’re interested, and your dad changed the topic when you started getting bored of hearing us talk about crawl, timings, descending, and percentages. Whereas my dad left when I was four and I’ll probably never know why.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. But I don’t remember him at all so I don’t miss him. I’m just saying. So… you’re gay too, huh?”
“I am.”
“And you’d be my boyfriend if I asked?” his tone is clearly teasing, he is trying to make the subject lighter, but somehow, I can’t just brush this off with a joke.
Maybe because I’m tired, maybe because it’s just the two of us for the first time, maybe because he is so close, maybe because I am being brave this weekend, I look straight into his amused eyes that grow more serious as he realizes that I am going to give him a proper answer, and I say: “I would.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry about it, I will not act on it, I will not make things awkward, I… and it has nothing to do with you being gay, that only makes things more complicated, in a way, just… I might have a crush on you. I definitely have a crush on you. And if you asked, which I know you won’t, then I would say yes. In a heartbeat.” This is way more forward than I intended, especially as I know Caleb’s shy and private nature, but there was something growing in his eyes as I was talking that just pushed me to keep talking as I went on. “I’m sorry if this is too much. This really doesn’t have to be awkward,” I tell him. “I won’t expect anything from you, I won’t… I just thought that I’d want to know if someone had a crush on me. Ego boost and all. Did I make you uncomfortable?”
“No,” he replies softly and I can see in his eyes that it is the truth.
“Good ego boost then?”
“Something like that.”
“I’m glad if that made your weekend slightly better.” But this is getting weird and I start moving away from him. His hand gently but firmly wraps around my wrist, keeping me close.
“Don’t I get to say something back?” he asks. His voice is nothing but a polite question. If I asked, he would let me go and leave it at that. That’s the last thing I want right now so I just nod, heart beating fast, full of hope. “This made my weekend significantly better. It would have made any day much better. Because… that crush you think you have for me, I have it for you too. Just stronger. For months, you have been a forbidden daydream. My best friend’s smart, straight little brother… So many reasons to stay away. And then… you came out. It was almost worse. Because suddenly, you were a possibility, just not one I was good enough to get. And then you tell me that and…”
His face is so close to mine, as if we both moved nearer at some point. When did we do that? I can see all the details of his face and he is even more handsome up close. How is that even possible?
“Can I kiss you?” he asks and I close the gap between us.
At first, it feels soft, warm, and so, so good. But then his hand pulls on my wrist again and I follow the movement until I am standing between his legs, pressing my chest against his, his hands lost in my hair, and the kiss gets deeper. This is beyond soft, warm, and good. This is perfect.
When we break the kiss, we stay so very close and stare at each other in silence for a minute or two.
“I really want to kiss you again,” he whispers, just against my lips. “But I think we shouldn’t push our luck.”
“I think we should,” I reply, but I know he’s right so I step back.
“But maybe… we could do something tomorrow? Out of the house.”
“Do you mean away from my mom?”
He smiles mischievously. “I mean away from any parent.”
That sends a couple of tingles down my spine. I don’t know what we’ll be doing tomorrow, I don’t know when or how we’ll tell people, I don’t know how serious he is about this… but I don’t care. The only thing that matters is that there is a good chance I’ll get to kiss him again…