I'm not the greatest fan of parties. But when your older brother is the captain of a successful team, parties tend to happen regularly. Usually, it's fine, though. Maisie and I just stick together. More often than not, we end up in my bedroom. I know some people used to think that we were making out - or more - and that it obviously wasn't true, but at least now they dropped that.
Tonight is a bit different, though. Maisie disappeared with some guy from the orchestra. Band. Whatever they are called. I mean… good for her, but I might have needed extra support tonight. Jake is here. And it's fine, it's not like they ended things on bad terms, or that I want him back, it's just always a bit awkward to see him. Especially out of school.
I am seriously thinking about disappearing to my room on my own. It would be a bit pathetic, but everyone here is Adam's friend, a couple of them have laughed when someone made a homophobic comment (when Adam wasn't around), some of them I don't remember seeing before, and… yeah. If the party was anywhere else, I wouldn't even be here.
I mean… Looking at the swimming team play ‘dare or drink’ was fun – they were surprisingly imaginative – but it would have been more fun with Maisie.
And it might have been slightly frustrating to think about Maisie and her current fling, potential future boyfriend, when I am here, the gay kid with no prospect but the guy who stopped liking me when I came out. I don’t know if he wasn’t ready, or if being gay suddenly felt too real and he realized it wasn’t who he is after all, but… all the same. There won’t be any flirting happening tonight.
And romance isn’t everything. I should maybe focus on having more friends, or at least people who like me, before hoping to find someone who… likes me. Different degrees of liking. I know what I mean.
Okay. Apparently, it’s another day when I’m moody. And being around people who only talk to me because they want to know stuff about Adam or Maisie is not helping.
Weird hermit it is. If Maisie grows tired of her new love interest, she’ll know where to find me.
So here I am, sitting at my desk, working on my AP Physics course, that my parents were so proud of me for taking back when they were still proud of me, when there is a knock on my door and Adam walks in. “Hey, weirdo.”
“What are you doing upstairs? Don’t you have the party of the century to host downstairs?”
“I do. And I am going back in a moment, it’s just… Caleb might or might not have drunk too much and he isn't feeling so good. Is it okay if he takes a quick break in here?"
“Why not in your room?”
“I’m not sure if he’ll need babysitting. Plus it’s… occupied right now.”
Great. Just great. At least that makes me happy to have claimed my room before others braved the ‘no one upstairs’ rule and someone had sex in my bed. That would NOT have made me happy.
I nod. It might be a bit weird to have Caleb here, but I don’t mind him. We don’t really know each other, but he is always nice to me and I think he’s cool with me being gay. So if he wants to sleep his drunken haze off in my room for an hour or two, that’s fine by me.
“Oh, and… Liam… I sort of hate that I’m asking, but… if he says anything that he wouldn’t if he were sober…”
“I’ll take it to my grave,” I promise. Not that Adam should worry about that. Caleb never actually talks to me.
When Caleb arrives in my room, he doesn’t seem particularly drunk. He is walking fine and his speech isn’t hazed when he says: “Hey. Adam said… Is it cool if I crash here for a minute or two?” He is speaking a little slower than usual, maybe.
“I think you’ll need more than a minute or two,” I reply.
He sits on my bed and says, “I’m fine. But Adam insisted and he even played the team captain card.”
“Yeah. He plays the big brother card sometimes too. Anyway. Go ahead, lie down. I’ve got work to do.”
“You’re doing school work?” he asks, smiling, while he takes off his shoes and lies on top of the blanket.
I shrug. “Yeah. I’m a bit boring like that.”
Caleb groans as he lies down. “This is ridiculous. Who invented that rule that smart is boring? I wish I were more academic.”
“And I wish I were more sporty,” I reply.
He lies on his side so he is turned toward me. It somehow keeps me from going back to my work. I know he wouldn’t mind, I also feel like this is a moment that won’t come back soon.
“Anyone can work on being sporty,” he says. “Not everyone can be an athlete, but everyone can be fit if they are interested in it. I am more impressed by brainies.”
“Yeah, well. It’s not like I’m a genius.”
“Maybe not. But you’re smart enough to impress and intimidate me.” To… what?
“Is that why you never talk to me?” I ask. I guess I shouldn't be asking him any questions given that he is a bit drunk, but he seems tired more than oversharing.
He shrugs. “I don’t want you to think that I’m an idiot.”
“I never think that you’re an idiot.” A lot of words come to my mind when I think about Caleb. Cute, nice, kind, funny, hot, driven, focused… but not ‘idiot’. I do know he is not the best student in school, but he is far from the worse. And even if he were, I don’t think I would mind. Different people have different things to offer the world.
“It’s not just you, though,” he adds. “I am often intimidated by people and I don’t speak very well when I’m intimidated.”
“It’s alright. I don’t know many people who are particularly eloquent.”
“Eloquent… I like the words you use. But, no, I mean literally. I used to stutter when I was a kid.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I was a bit bullied for it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It was a long time ago. Besides, you know a bit about bullying too.”
“It’s not that bad.” Not the school part anyway. And I know it’s mostly thanks to Adam.
“Where is Maisie?” he asks. “Usually the two of you are always together. She’s super intimidating too.”
“Maisie is?”
“Yes. Like she’s the cutest girl in school, but she could still kill you in your sleep.” I don’t know if it’s what Caleb actually thinks of her or if this is him starting to say things he wouldn’t if he were sober. It must be. Because he just called Maisie ‘the prettiest girl in school’ and there is no way he would have ever told me that in the car. I guess everyone is a little bit in love with Maisie. She could do way worse than Caleb. Actually, if she ended up with him, I would be way more jealous than if she actually ends up dating whoever she’s with right now.
“She found herself a little crush, tonight.” I don’t know if ‘crush’ is the word. It’s not like I can go and ask her about her feelings right now. We’ll definitely debrief tomorrow, though.
"Do you want to know who I have a crush on?" he whispers as if he were sharing a secret with me. Which I guess he is doing.
I don't want to know who he's crushing on because that will be heartbreaking, but then again it might be the wake-up call I need. "Let me guess. It's Maisie?" That's been a recurring theme tonight.
Caleb blinks, as if I just said something particularly confusing.
"Maisie? Who would look at Maisie when you're around?"
I… what?
Two things hit me at the same time. The first one is that Caleb is much drunker than I thought and that I never should have asked him anything. And the second one is… did Caleb just say that he was into me?
I am so very torn between pushing for more and letting go. But as much as I am burning to get the words, all the words, out of him, I do the right thing. “Fine. Not Maisie. I’ll think about it. I’ll give you my guess in the morning and you can tell me if I’m right.”
His smile seems a little sad suddenly but it’s probably just me projecting my own feelings. I stand up to switch off the main light of the room and I get back to my desk where the lamp is enough for me to get working.
“Is it okay if I start working again?”
“It’s your room.”
Physics. That’s a good distraction. It will keep me from turning around and asking Caleb if he was just being nice or if he was going to tell me that he has a crush on me. I don’t even know if I could handle either answer.
Plus, Caleb wanted a bit of peace and quiet. With a bit of luck, he’ll sleep a bit.
“Liam?” Caleb calls me nearly half an hour later. I’m done with physics and I was revising for an English quiz coming up.
“Hmm?” I vaguely answer, still a bit lost in Hemingway’s words.
“You did understand I meant you, right?”
His sentence completely pulled me out of literature. I turn around and he is lying on his back, looking at the ceiling. He gently turns to his side so he is facing me again.
I panic for a second. What do I need to do? Do I kill the conversation a second time? Do I let him share what he clearly wants to share? Which option will make him feel the best in the morning?
“I did.”
“But you don’t want to talk about it.” His eyes have never seen so big, looking at me, oddly full of fear and hope.
“I really do. But maybe now isn’t the best time.”
“I’m not that drunk. I feel a bit funny, but that might be because there was a bit crowded down there.”
“It can wait until morning.”
“I might not be this brave in the morning.”
I roll my chair so I can be closer to the bed. I don’t want him to think that I am putting some distance between us. I lean forward a little, forearms resting on my knees, and my hands end up on the bed. Caleb slides his hand to rest it against mine. It’s nothing. And yet it’s the most intimate moment of my entire life. Much more than kissing Jake in the astronomy room.
I look away from our touching but not holding hands, straight into his eyes which are more hope than fear now.
“Caleb… you have no idea how much I want this, but… really, it shouldn’t be tonight.”
“Will you stay with me, though?”
“I will.”
“Is that a real promise or the kind I use when I try to get your brother in bed when he’s drunk?”
I giggle a little at that and I thread my fingers through his. Surely that’s allowed, right? “I’ll be right here.”
“Will you sleep with me? And I really mean sleep. Sleep sleep, not sex sleep. I don’t want to sleep with you. I mean, I do. I think about it sometimes, but not like this. Not so soon. Not when I’m a bit drunk.”
“Oh, so you finally admit that you are a bit drunk,” I reply, because if I didn’t make a joke, I would have to take a second to think about the fact that Caleb just told me that he has thought about having sex with me before. I am not offended or weirded out. Quite the opposite. But he’s right. Even in his slightly drunken state. It is too soon. To do, to discuss, to consider… I don’t even know if he will still want to hold my hand in the morning. No matter what is happening here, now, in this room, in the dark, Caleb isn’t out. And I know what can happen to offers made by closeted boys.
“But will you?”
“Well… this is my bed. So… what about I don’t sleep with you, but I sleep next to you?”
He smiles and he kind of looks younger like this, so visibly happy. “Good enough.”
I can tell that he is getting sleepy, and he is so adorable right now that I can’t hold my other hand back. It brushes a strand of hair away, and I let my palm rest on the line between his neck and his jaw, my thumb running on his cheek. This is the most tender I've been to anyone in as long as I can remember. "Is this okay?" I ask.
“Why wouldn’t t be?”
“You’re a bit drunk.”
“It’s always okay when you touch me.”
“I never touch you…”
“You do, sometimes.” He closes his eyes and leans against my hand. “In my dreams.”
This brutal honesty thing is incredible. I mean, sure, it is a bit overwhelming, but… it is also the most incredible feeling in the world. I feel seen and important. I also feel calm and safe. I’m not entirely sure why.
I slide my hand from his face to his hair and he whispers: “Keep doing that.” I smile, nod, and he closes his eyes. I think he is falling asleep.
I take a moment to think about this surreal turn of events. Earlier, when I was moaning about not being able to find someone at a party, I thought making-out session more than this. But this is so much better. This is perfect. Because this is not just about now. It makes me look back at the past and our interactions in a new way, and it gives me hope for the future.
I don’t know what Caleb will be like in the morning, but right now, he opened a window on a future I so desperately want to experience. I don't particularly believe in God, but the part of me that does is really tempted to start praying for Caleb to feel the same way tomorrow. For all of this not to be just drunken thoughts.
It is ridiculous to be wishing for a boy to like me, especially when I didn't realize I wanted him to even just an hour ago. But I swear this isn't just because he likes me. I am not that pathetic. I guess a more accurate way to see it would be that Caleb allowed me to look at him and want him, two things I forbade myself to do so far, and I didn't need much convincing.
Just as I think that this might be my cue to leave Caleb alone a moment, let him rest, and go back to the party for a while, see who is still there and what happened to Maisie, my bedroom door opens and Adam walks in. He stops, confused about what he just interrupted: Caleb’s eyes are closed, one of my hands is trapped in his, and the other one is in his hair.
Adam frowns and asks: “Does he know you’re doing that?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Good. Um… Maisie was looking for you.”
“He’s busy,” Caleb mumbles in his slumber, and Adam’s eyebrows rise up in surprise.
“Yeah. I’m busy.”
“Cool. Then… yeah… I’ll tell her you’re asleep or something. So she doesn’t come looking.”
“Thanks.”
Adam leaves and I stand up too. Caleb’s hand wraps around my wrist. I look down and his eyes are sleepy but open. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to get some clothes from Adam’s room for you to sleep in. That doesn’t look very comfortable and I don’t think I have anything your size.”
He lets go of my wrist. “You’re sweet. But you shouldn’t worry about me.”
Something tells me that I’m going to worry about him a lot more from now on.
Caleb and I are lying side by side. There is no touching, we are not sharing the same blanket, this is all very proper. Nothing to regret in the morning. It is nice to have him here, even if tomorrow is a bit of a mystery, even if it’s just to sleep, even if it’s really hard to keep it nice and proper when Caleb turns around, slides just a little closer, and whispers: “I really want to kiss you.”
My entire skin covers in goosebumps. It would be so easy to lean in and just let him kiss me. I wouldn’t technically be doing anything wrong. But I don’t want Caleb to regret anything about tonight. I also don’t want our first kiss to be a hazy memory for him. So I do the right thing, and reply: “Maybe in the morning?”
“No. Not in the morning.”
“What? Why?”
“I’m not kissing you before I get a chance to brush my teeth.”
This might be the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me.
We don’t kiss that night. We don’t share a blanket. We don’t cuddle. But we fall asleep holding hands.
I am woken up by noises in my room. I open my eyes and Caleb is there, sitting at my desk, fully dressed, putting his shoes back on.
“Hey,” I say, hoping that I wasn’t snoring, drooling, or anything.
“Hey. I was actually wondering if I should wake you up or not.”
“Are you leaving?”
“Sort of,” he answers, and that is the most heartbreaking thing ever. So this is it. Caleb changed his mind. Maybe he’s not ready. Maybe I’m not interested enough. Maybe he realized that I’m his team captain’s brother. Or maybe he never really wanted this in the first place. “I was just going to help your brother clean up. Liam… about yesterday…”
“We don’t have to talk about it,” I say. No need to drag this out.
He frowns. “I… I think we need to,” Caleb replies and part of me is a bit surprised that he would push to talk. Not just because he is shy. I did just offer him a golden opportunity to leave. “I need to make sure that I didn’t do anything you weren’t comfortable with. I… I actually didn’t drink that much, so everything is still clear, but… I guess I still drank enough to become a handful. I’m sorry about that.”
“You were not a handful. Well… maybe a little, but I quite enjoyed that, actually.” I threw that out there, being half brave, because what he just said and the way he looks at me make me hope that, maybe, he does not regret what happened. And I don’t want miscommunication to be the reason we don’t get to explore this.
His cheeks pinken a little and he says: “So… no boundary pushed, no line crossed?”
“Only the good ones.”
“So… you were being a gentleman because I was drunk and not because it was a nice way to say no?”
He seems so vulnerable right now that it feels necessary to make things right. Tell him that he can relax. There is no part of me that doesn’t want him. “Who would say no to you?”
He shrugs. “Sometimes it takes just one person.” There is so much truth behind that sentence.
“I’m not that person,” I promise him. His smile melts my heart a little bit.
He comes closer and puts his lips on mine. It’s butterfly soft. Not even a kiss, really. But it’s enough to start a storm of feelings in my chest. I lean in for more, but he pulls back.
“I told you. I don’t want your memory of our first kiss to be stained by alcohol breath. I just… couldn’t resist getting something. Plus I told Adam I would help and I don’t want to let him clean up alone.”
“Then what about you go clean up the party mess with him, I make some breakfast for us three, and I scavenge the house for a spare toothbrush? Then we could… hang out a bit.” And I don’t just mean kissing. I also mean getting to know him as more than my brother’s best friend. But I also do mean kissing.
I can see on his face that he does want that too.
Today is going to be a great day. It might even reconcile me with parties.