“Please. I don’t often ask you for a favor.”
“You’re joking, right? Last week, you asked me to…”
“Fine,” Adam interrupts his brother. “But this is important to me. Please.”
“Why don’t you ask the guys from the team?”
“Because I’m not going to make Caleb wait until after training when he can’t even swim. Look, the car is all yours until this is sorted, okay?”
Liam caves. That has actually nothing to do with the car – although that’s a nice bonus. Liam actually likes Caleb, even if they never really talked that much, and he doesn’t mind doing something for him. He just doesn’t want Adam to get used to his younger brother doing things for him.
“Fine. I’ll take him to and from school on practice days. But next time I’m invited to a party you’re designated driver for me and Maisie.”
“Urgh. Why do you have to make everything so complicated? Alright. But if you ever puke in my car, I’m telling the parents that you were drinking.”
“See? Compromises,” taking the keys from his brother. “How are you going to get to or from school on training days?”
“Tom will be my ride.”
Liam stops the car in front of Caleb’s house and suddenly feels nervous. What is he supposed to do? Honk? Get out and ring the bell? Call Caleb? Does he even have Caleb’s number anywhere?
Thank God the other boy puts him out of his misery by getting out of his house less than a minute later, leg in a cast, hobbling to the car on crutches.
He gets in the car, smiles almost shyly, and says: “Thank you for picking me up.”
“No problem.”
“Adam said that it took some bargaining. Honestly, I can take the bus if it’s a problem.”
‘Adam said’. Really? Doesn’t Liam’s brother have anything better to do than tell cute boys that his little brother is being a pain?
Liam shrugs. “I was just being difficult with him on purpose. I really don’t mind. It’s three days a week, and when Adam is driving us, we are picking you up anyway and I have to get up extra early for practice or stay late after school. So it’s a win-win situation, really.” Then he realizes the context and adds: “I mean… except for your leg. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know. That’s fine.”
Caleb. Always so nice. Probably because deep down, he doesn’t give a shit what Liam is saying or thinking.
Liam stays silent, trying not to say anything stupid again and Caleb doesn’t restart the conversation, probably not super thrilled to be stuck with his best friend’s little brother.
Why does life always have to be awkward?
Thankfully, Practice is just once a day and Adam will be with them to get back home. That’s his best quality: be a buffer.
“Friday, after dropping Caleb home, I’m taking the car,” Liam tells his brother at dinner.
He almost expects Adam to argue, but he simply says: “Fine. That was the deal anyway.”
“Deal?” their mother asks.
“Yeah. Caleb has a cast for another four weeks and it was stupid to have him sit by the pool and do nothing on practice days. So Liam agreed to take him to school when I have morning practice, and home when I have twilight practice.”
“They could both wait in school like your brother does,” their mother comments.
“I know Mom. But it only makes sense to make Liam wait.”
“Because I don’t matter?” Liam asks, glaring at his brother.
“No, half-brain. Because it’s two against one and you don’t have anyone to give you a ride home. Whereas now, it’s two of you, one of me, and Tom said he’d drive me.”
Liam doesn’t mind his brother calling him ‘half-brain’, or whatever else he might call him. There has always been this banter between them and even if Liam has been moody lately, they do actually get on quite well and there is no nastiness behind their words.
Liam can tell from the way his mother is looking at him that he will not like what she will say next. “So it’s just you and Caleb in the car?”
“We can pick up hitchhikers if you’re worried we’re not eco-friendly enough.”
“Very funny. No, I was wondering… does he know? About you?”
“Yes, mom. The entire school knows about me.”
“And is he comfortable with… everything?”
“Mom, you’re the only one uncomfortable with it,” Adam interrupts her.
Liam won’t say it out loud, but he is grateful for his brother and the way he supports and protects him, especially since coming out. Liam glances at his father, eating in silence, not taking part in the conversation. Adam is wrong. Their mother isn’t the only one uncomfortable with this.
“I can take Caleb to school,” Samantha offers with her ridiculously adorable smile. It’s probably because she’s eight, but she’s still genuinely kind and selfless, and she says everything with a face that melts even Liam’s heart.
“That’s a great idea, Kid,” Adam tells his little sister, “but I’m pretty sure that to be allowed to drive, you need to be able to see over the wheel.”
She rolls her eyes at him and that’s the little glimpses Liam can get at the type of teenager she is probably going to be when her nice little girl persona will fade away. He almost hopes she won’t just be sassy but that she’ll be properly terrible, and then maybe a coming out won’t seem so bad. But then he looks at her adorable face and he hopes she’ll stay sweet forever.
“I know that!” she replies. “But I can teach him how to ride the bus.” And isn’t that the sweetest offer ever?
“I’ll ask him tomorrow,” Adam promises and Sam looks both proud and pleased. Somehow, Liam has a feeling that if he were here, Caleb might be making plans with her so she could indeed teach him how to ride the bus. Because he is kind like that.
“Where are you going on Friday?” Adam asks and Liam knows he is trying to change the subject.
“I’m taking Maisie to the cinema.”
“Like a date?” his mother asks and Adam sighs. Liam doesn’t even react anymore. Surely, she must know how useless it is to push like that. Suddenly, he’s not so hungry.
A couple of days later, it is time for Liam to take Caleb home from school. They both walk to the parking lot just in time to see the rest of the team disappear in the changing rooms and Liam notices the way Caleb looks at them.
“Do you miss it?” Liam asks as they both get in the car.
“Swimming?”
“Yeah.”
“A bit. But it’s not like it’s gone forever. It’s just… I don’t know. You know I’m a bit awkward around people. Even with you. I see you every day when your brother picks me up and we barely even talk.”
“I get it,” Liam says, inserting into traffic. “I’m your best friend’s little brother. Not the coolest thing in the world.”
“Hum… I’m a junior too, you know? It’s not like I could look down on you for being younger. Not that I would anyway. It’s just that I’m a bit socially awkward. But when I am with the team, it’s different. I feel like I belong. Like I’m not just awkward. So… yeah, I guess I don’t really know who I am when I don’t have the team.”
“Sorry.”
Caleb smiles. “Don’t look so sad. It sounded more dramatic than I intended. I’m not with them in the pool for a little while, but they’re still my friends. And that’s a lot of friends. I’m not lonely, I’m just… it’s different when we’re in the pool, you know?”
“I guess I don’t. But yes, that’s a lot of friends. More than me.”
Caleb shrugs. “Some people are a one-friend kind of people. I think that without the team, I would pretty much only talk to your brother.”
“And that would be such a sad life,” Liam answers and is surprised when it gets him a laugh from Caleb. “What happened to your leg?”
Liam isn’t entirely sure that he is allowed to ask that, but Caleb answers without hesitation. “It’s the most boring thing ever. Do you know the little concrete stairs next to the store by the park?”
“I do.”
“I went to get some paper for the printer because my mom was finishing a presentation, I slipped, I managed to restore some balance so I didn’t properly fall, but I still landed funny and there I am. The bone isn’t properly broken, it’s cracked. Still hurt like hell, though.”
“You slipped?”
“Yeah. Apparently, it was yogurt, but I didn’t really go back to investigate.”
“Fair enough. And… we’re there.”
“Thanks for the ride.”
“You’re welcome. See you on Tuesday.”
“I’ll see you before then. You just won’t be driving.”
“Right. Sure.” Liam knows he’s smart. He has the grades to prove it. So why does he constantly make himself look so stupid in front of Caleb?
The next time Liam has to pick Caleb from his house, he is in a terrible mood. It’s one of those days when he is mad at the world. He stops the car in front of Caleb's house and immediately gets lost in his thoughts about breakfast.
He nearly jumps when the other boy joins him. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“No problem.”
Liam knows he should make conversation, but he can’t today. He just doesn’t feel like it. Caleb is quiet too. Then again, Caleb is always quiet.
Before he knows it, Liam is already parked in front of the school. He stops the engine and is about to get out of the car when Caleb gently pulls his sleeve. Liam turns to look at the other boy, trying to ignore that his stomach might have gotten a butterfly or two when the other boy touched him.
“Are you okay?” Caleb asks.
In any other circumstances, if it had been anyone else, if it had been any other day, Liam would have said yes and gotten out of the car. They’re not friends. And even if they were, Liam isn’t the type of person to just blurt out his feelings. But Caleb genuinely looks concerned. He is not prying, he is not being polite, he is not looking for gossip. It looks like he genuinely cares.
“I just had a tough morning.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Liam looks at the clock. They are a bit early. “It’s nothing important.”
“It can’t be more plain than my slip in the stairs story.”
Liam smiles. Caleb just has this way to always make things easier. It’s soothing. He almost wishes that his brother would train more often. Although… if Adam hadn’t had training this morning, then the scene at breakfast wouldn’t have happened. “It’s just a bit hard, you know?”
“What is?”
“Being the disappointment of the family.”
“I’m sure you’re not.”
“I am, though. Adam is a successful athlete and Sam is the cute one. Plus she’s the girl.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know. I’m just bitter today.”
“Hey. Adam is sporty. He’s nice. He’s popular. He’s a great friend. And Sam… I don’t know much about her other than she’s lovely and all three of your first names rhyme. But you… You’re smart, college scholarship kind of smart, you are kind – no, don’t make that face, you’re being my personal driver although I never did anything for you – you are interesting, you… I promise you, you are not a disappointment.”
“I am to my parents.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m gay.”
“Oh… sorry, I… Adam did mention something about that but I didn’t know it was this bad.”
“It’s fine. It’s just that usually, Adam is the buffer when we have conversations like these, but he wasn’t there this morning. And it hurts, you know? When your parents so profoundly wish for you to be different.”
“They’ll come around.”
“Eventually, maybe. But in the meantime, I have to deal with that at home, and then I come to school and… do you know what was written on my locker yesterday?”
“Yes, I heard from the guys at lunch.”
“It’s just a lot. I’ll be fine. I always am. I just need to be a bit grumpy today.”
“I get it. Why don’t you and Maisie join us for lunch today?”
“Why?”
“Because she doesn’t deserve to have lunch with no one but a grumpy best friend.”
Liam just loves that Caleb would care about him and his best friend like this. Finding a way to cheer both of them up.
Okay… maybe he shouldn’t use the word ‘love’ when he is thinking about Caleb because this is weird and confusing. He ‘really appreciates it’. That’s better.
“I’ll ask her,” Liam promises before finally getting out of the car.
Picking up Caleb is becoming Liam’s favorite time of the week. It’s just… they get on much better than Liam anticipated. Especially since that day Caleb invited him to lunch. It’s not just the fact that he saw he was upset and cared enough to ask him about it, it’s also the way Caleb totally changed his mind – and mood – when Liam and Maisie did join them for lunch. Sure, it helps that Liam is allowed to drive his brother’s car and that he can sleep later twice a week and get home earlier once a week, but… it’s mostly Caleb.
And that’s a bit confusing. Forbidden too, probably. A dead-end for sure.
It’s alright. Everyone has an impossible crush in high school, right? And at least, for now, it’s something in Liam’s life that makes him feel warm and happy rather than frustrated and angry. It is a very welcome change.
“I know you’re not going to practice at the moment,” Liam tells Caleb one morning as they are waiting at a red light. “But what about the swim-off? Do you want to go to that?”
Caleb turns his face slowly, eyes wide open in surprise, an amused but not mocking smile on his lips. “The what?”
“The swim-off, you know, on Thursday… It’s not called that, is it?”
Caleb’s smile widens ever so slightly and he shakes his head. “No.”
“But Adam said…” Wait… did Adam ever say that or did Liam come up with it and his brother just went along with it? “Adam never corrected me.”
“He probably just thought it was funny. I think I’ll only call them that from now on.”
Liam almost wants to ask him what the real word is, but he is a little embarrassed and he would like to change the subject swiftly.
“Do you want to go, then? You’re obviously not often in the audience, but you could sit with me and Maisie?”
“I’d like that. And maybe this time she won’t look so shocked whenever we talk to each other.”
“Will you talk though? Without the team around the table, it won’t really be your comfort zone.” Liam then realizes how it sounds. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything bad by it, I’m just… trying to understand.”
Caleb’s face is blank and he is looking straight ahead. Liam has no idea if he offended the other boy, or even made him uncomfortable. Either way, it’s not what he wanted.
“I’d like to say yes, but… I’m not the same when I am with Adam and when I am with the two of you.”
“You’re getting less silent in the car.”
Caleb shrugs. “Maybe I’m adding you to the list of people I’m comfortable around. But you’re right. Maisie might not be on it yet.”
“Then you can stay with Clara. I get it.”
“Clara is definitely not on my list. I mean, I like her, but…I’ve never really spoken to her that much either and never without Adam. So… if you don’t mind a silent me, I think I’d like to sit with you and Maisie.”
“Cool. Then we can ask our stupid questions to someone who can actually answer them.”
“Sure,” Caleb replies with a cheeky tone. “I’ll teach you all about swim-offs!”
It is after school and Liam parked the car in front of Caleb’s house. He stopped the engine so they could finish their conversation quickly, but that was almost an hour ago and the conversation is still going, livelier than ever.
Liam looks at his phone and is surprised that it is even later than he thought. “Adam is going to be home before me,” he comments.
“Sorry. See what happens when I get too comfortable with people? I can’t stop talking. I’m sure right now you’d like the shy version of me back, however pathetic.”
“The shy version of you is really endearing, actually. But I like this you better.”
“Because he’s less boring?”
“No. Because he’s the real you.”
Caleb’s cheeks get a little pink and Liam stands by what he said. Shy Caleb is extremely endearing. “Anyway. I should at least invite you in instead of making us stay in the car. I didn’t realize we would chat that long.”
“Honestly, don’t worry. This was fun.” Liam immediately regrets using the past. Because that implies he is saying goodbye and he would like to make the moment last just a little longer. So he adds, before Caleb can understand it as his cue to leave, “Besides we don’t really know each other that well. I get that it might be weird to invite me to your place.”
Caleb takes a moment to look at Liam before answering. “I don’t know. I’ve been to your house before and, sure, it was with your brother, but I think it wouldn’t be that much weirder to have you over. As for your other point… I know I haven’t really given you the chance to get to know me, but I know you.”
“Oh, you do, do you?” Liam asks, knowing that Caleb is just being polite.
“Probably better than you think.” When Liam doesn’t react, Caleb adds: “I never really talked to you but I heard everything you told your brother in the car. I remember all the things he mentioned about you.”
“If it’s only based on my relationship with my brother, it’s probably not very flattering.”
“You two get along better than any of you is willing to let on. Anyway. I’ll let you go now.”
Liam nods and is left wondering after Caleb leaves. Is Caleb overconfident about what he knows about Liam, or is it Liam who has not been paying attention to the other boy all this time? And… that thing between them… is it just friendship? It feels like more, but it’s probably just coming from Liam. Right?
This is the last time Liam is picking Caleb up, and… it’s weird. It feels like saying goodbye. They will still see each other at least twice a day, but it will be different. It’s always different when Adam is around. These four weeks went on so quickly. But the cast is coming off during break and when they come back to school, although he has to take things slow, Caleb can go back in the pool.
Back to his team. Good for him. Liam is just going to miss the little moments when it was just the two of them. Somehow, Liam wishes that their last trip would have been an after-school one. So they could have dragged things a little bit. Talk a bit more in front of Caleb’s house… Something.
But no. They get to school, they make a joke about Liam’s days as a taxi driver being over, and they go their separate ways.
Once more, Liam tries to convince himself that it is for the best. That the last thing he needs is a crush on his brother’s best friend. Still. It doesn’t feel like it’s for the best. He doesn’t even know where they stand now. Are they friends? Are they back to vague acquaintances? Will Caleb go back to being shy and awkward when it’s just the two of them? Will it ever be just the two of them again?
Caleb and Adam see each other during their week off school but Liam isn’t invited – not that he expected to be – and things are definitely a little more awkward when they all get back to school. Nothing bad, it’s just like they are trying to find a new balance now. The conversations in the car are not solely carried on through Adam, and it feels a little more like three friends having fun.
But it’s still very much Adam and Caleb on the front seats, Liam at the back, third wheel to his brother’s friendship when, for the first time, he wants to be the center of Caleb’s interest.
So… time apart clearly didn’t kill the crush.
It also doesn’t help that Liam doesn’t know how to put words on it. It’s not like he can’t find the words – he knows the words – it’s more like he doesn’t know how to talk to anyone about this. It obviously can’t be Adam, it more than obviously can’t be his parents, but for some reason, it can’t be Maisie either. Maisie is not the problem, it’s just that Liam isn’t sure he wants those feelings to actually make it out of his mind. Because then they become real and Caleb will feel even more unreachable than he does now.
Until one day, as Liam is waiting for the boys, leaning on the car, checking his phone, and Caleb appears, Adam-free.
“Hey. Where is my brother?”
“He has decided to get coffee with Clara.”
“And… is he taking us home first?”
“Nope.” Caleb opens his hand to reveal the car keys. “He said he trusts you with his car now.”
“Cool.”
“And anyway. The boys are not in practice, obviously, so I can ask Tom for a ride home. So you can get straight home, or go do something with Maisie… something.”
“I don’t mind taking you home,” Liam replies. It sounded less desperate than ‘please, please, please, get in the car with me’.
“Sure?”
“Of course. Get in.”
The conversation is light and fun for a few blocks, when Caleb suddenly says: “Can I ask you something a bit personal? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“Er… sure,” Liam replies, slightly worried about why the other boy is suddenly so serious.
“You said that your parents aren’t really supportive of you being gay. Is that something you knew would happen or was it a surprise?”
“It was… a bit of both, I think. I knew it would be hard for them to adjust, and I thought they would ignore it, which is exactly what my father does, but my mother keeps pushing and asking me why I am doing this to myself. Without ever mentioning what ‘this’ is, of course. I did not see that one coming.”
“Would you go back, if you could?”
“In the closet? No. It was time. See, there was this boy and we just… had a moment. I knew that if it became something, I wouldn’t want that to be a secret. I mean… It obviously would have been because he wasn’t out, but… I didn’t want my own fears to be the reason why. So I told my family, I told Maisie, and the word spread.”
“Maisie told people?”
“No. I posted something on Instagram. Which was probably me acting out because of the way my parents took it, and it probably wasn’t the smartest way to handle things, but… yeah. At least it was out there and it was strangely freeing.”
“So… you and that guy?”
“I do not have a secret boyfriend. We still talk sometimes, but… he’s not interested.”
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s cool. I’m not that interested either. Even back then, I think it was… availability more than chemistry? Don’t get me wrong, I like him and maybe it could have been something, but I’m not heartbroken about it either, you know? Anyway. Why all the questions?”
“I’m wondering if I should tell my mom.”
“Tell your mom about wh… oh. I… does Adam know?”
Caleb shakes his head. “No one knows” He is looking through the window, refusing to make eye contact. Which is for the best because Liam could totally get lost in those eyes and he is currently still driving.
Did Caleb just say what Liam thinks he said? And if so, why him? Because Liam is out and he could understand him? Or because of something more that Liam doesn’t dare hope for?
They arrive in Caleb’s street and he just says, almost in a whisper, “Can we keep driving a little while longer?”
Liam doesn’t reply but he doesn’t slow down and they pass Caleb’s house.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Liam asks a moment later.
“What? Being gay or coming out?”
“I don’t know. Both. Either.”
“Not really.”
“Okay. Well, I’m very flattered that you decided to tell me. And I won’t tell anyone, I promise. Not Adam, not Maisie, not anyone. And if you do want to talk about it, ever, I’m here.”
“Thanks.”
Caleb sounds… almost miles away. Liam doesn’t push it. He knows that however calm he seems right now, there might be a million things happening in Caleb’s mind right now.
Liam notices that he was sort of on autopilot and that he mechanically drove home. He decides to stop in his driveway. Caleb looks at him, surprised.
“We don’t have to go in. We can just stay in the car until you’re ready for me to take you home.”
Caleb nods, and then he blurts out. “I don’t… it’s not… you mentioned something about availability before.”
“Av… oh, you mean about… that other guy?”
“Yes.”
“Look, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not like meeting someone is doomed. I did like him. There was a bit of chemistry between us. But it’s also not like I was massively into him, and I think that on his side, I was mostly someone he could experiment with. But I’m sure that when you’ll meet someone, he won’t be interested in you just because of availability.”
“It’s not what I… It’s not because of availability.”
Part of Liam understands very well what Caleb is trying to say. But he also won’t let himself go there unless he’s absolutely sure. More than the shame he would feel, he doesn’t want to put Caleb to feel embarrassed whenever they see each other. So Liam hopes with all he has that Caleb is talking about him, but he won’t phrase that for him just in case the universe would be mean enough to make his crush gay and into someone else.
“Caleb, I’m not sure I’m following you.”
“Yes, sorry, I’m not making any sense even to myself. Can I try again?”
“Sure.”
“When Adam asked me if I didn’t mind getting home with you, it’s not just that I didn’t. I was happy. Because I miss the time we spent together, even if it was short and only three times a week for a few weeks… And I thought it was life giving me an opportunity to tell you that. But I didn’t know how to bring it up and the conversation drifted and you mentioned availability, and… whatever is happening between us… I don’t want you to think that it’s just because you’re there. It’s not accessibility. If anything, you should be my last choice because I don’t know what Adam is going to say and I don’t want you to come between me and him, or him to come between you and me, and yet… there is something isn’t there? I’m not just making a fool of myself, am I? When we’re together.”
“Chemistry,” Liam breathes out almost against his will.
Something happens with Caleb. His face is less tense, his shoulders drop a few millimeters, his frown disappears, his breathing slows down… It’s only then that Liam realizes how tense the other boy had been. But there is still a worried light in his eyes.
So Liam adds: “No. It’s not just you.”
For a moment, the two boys just look at each other, the inside of the car perfectly silent, both taking in this massive thing they just shared and trying to figure out what should come next. Liam knows what he would like to do next, but he doesn’t know if it’s alright. He doesn’t really know what Caleb wants. Yes, he admitted that he was interested, but he also said that it was complicated because of Adam.
Still. Caleb wouldn’t have told him all of that if he didn’t want anything to come of it, right?
So Liam leans in, slowly, so Caleb can ask him to stop or pull back if he wants to, but Caleb leans in the moment he realizes what Liam is doing and Liam lets his eyes fall shut just before their lips touch. And this is… so much more than he hoped for. If anything, this is proof that Jake was about accessibility more than anything. Because he never felt anything like this. This is chemistry. This is perfect.
Caleb cups his face and Liam lets his hands rest on the other boy’s forearms.
Liam nearly has a heart attack when they get interrupted by a knock on the window. He turns around and there is Adam, a massive knowing smile on his face.
Liam opens the window and Adam says: “Okay, so… just a few things. First, never again pretend like you’re doing me a favor when, really, I’m the one doing you a solid. Second, I’m not going to be your couple therapist ever. Third, training still comes before dates or make-out sessions. Fourth, we going to have a very strict ‘no funny business in the car’. Fifth, I am not becoming your personal driver, so Caleb is sitting at the front with me at least once a day. And sixth, I don’t care if Clara asks, I am not going on double dates with my little brother. So whenever we hang out together, it’s not a date. Okay?”
Liam nods. He doesn’t look at Caleb, but he’s pretty sure those rules are fine with him too. Yes. Liam is definitely okay with those. He’d be okay with much more if that meant that his brother is cool with… whatever is happening between him and Caleb.
Adam nods and starts walking away. After a couple of steps, though, he turns around and says: “Oh, and… you might want to take this somewhere Mom can’t see. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure Caleb won’t ever be invited for dinner again.”
Liam sighs. His brother’s right. But he won’t let it impact his happiness. Breaking out the news to his parents is a problem for another day.
“That’s fine,” Caleb says squeezing his hand gently as Adam disappears in the house. “Worst-case scenario, we’ll have dinner at my place.”
Liam can’t help but smile. If that’s the worst-case scenario, then they have nothing to worry about.