Liam
I don’t really like swimming pools. I don’t like swimming, I don’t like being in swim trunks, I don’t like the smell of chlorine, I don’t like having to trust other people’s hygiene…
But I don’t mind being here when it’s to watch Adam swim. I won’t ever tell him, but he is quite good and it’s pretty fun to cheer for someone who almost always wins.
There is no competition today, but he has practice, and he is my ride, so here I am. Usually, I wouldn’t wait for him here—it’s boring, and I know that since I came out, some people are making jokes about why I really come to the competitions. I don’t mind the jokes, I think. I know Adam can take them, but I don’t want to put him in an awkward position with the other boys on his team. So I usually wait in the library. Which I guess is letting the bullies win.
My little nerdy safe haven is, however, under construction this week, and my phone died, making the pool the best place to be updated on when precisely they will finish. So here I am, waiting for the coach to be done torturing them. I don’t even know why they need a coach. All they have to do is keep swimming until muscle memory makes them faster, right? I also have no idea why we call it a team when they hardly ever interact with each other. Nor how useful it is to have a captain. Do other schools have a swimming team captain, or is it just us? Because everyone just loves Adam and would do anything to make him happy?
These trivial questions have now completely distracted me from the Civil War, so I look up from my history notes and at the pool down the bleachers. At some point, when I was lost in my thoughts, the coach must have called the end of their ordeal because the boys are getting out of the pool.
Adam and Caleb are the last ones to get out of the water, chatting and laughing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Caleb laugh when Adam isn’t around. Not this openly. Then again, it’s not like I know him. It’s not like I care. It’s not like I’m staring slightly longer than I should.
I return to my notes. I don’t particularly like history. I like learning about how we viewed science in the past and the discoveries made, but we don’t really focus on those in class. I have to spend twice the time to get the things I am not interested in to fit in my brain, and I always saw it as a waste of time that I would therefore end up spending much more time learning things I’m just lukewarm about.
Anyway. It won’t be long before they are done showering and changing. I’ll go wait for Adam in the hall.
Of course, Adam is the last one to leave the locker rooms. Most of his team members greet me as they leave, and I nod back. We’re not really friends, but I know all their names, and they’re all nice enough. I mean, they probably just acknowledge me because of Adam, but still. I’m not cynical enough to think that they would be unpleasant without him, but I also know that we wouldn’t know each other’s names without the swimming team.
Just when I think that, Caleb gets out too. Okay. I’d probably know his name even if he wasn’t Adam’s friend. And not just because we have three classes together.
He stops a few steps from me and smiles. His smile is one thing I don’t get about him. He is hot, he is one of the best athletes in school, he is kind, people love him… and yet his smile is always so quiet and shy.
“He’s nearly done,” he tells me. “You know him. He can’t go until everything is back where it should be.”
“I know,” I reply like an idiot. But I actually don’t. His bedroom usually looks like a bomb just exploded in it, the most cleaning I’ve ever seen him do was filling the dishwasher, and I have no idea what sort of equipment actually needs tidying up after swimming anyway. “Are you coming home with us?” I ask. That’s the extent of my relationship with Caleb: being sort of in the conversation between him and Adam just because I’m in the car when we give him a ride home or when he comes to my place to hang out with my brother. And even then, the conversations are very generic and polite. He’s nice, and probably interesting, but we don’t really have chemistry.
“No, my mom is picking me up.”
Then there is a half-awkward silence. I have nothing to reply to that, and it’s not like we have much more to talk about. To be fair, there are loads of topics we could discuss. Like his upcoming swimming competition, one of the classes we have in common, the movie he saw with Adam last weekend and that I was with Maisie three weeks ago… Even the weather, why not? But Caleb, despite his shy, quiet smile, or maybe because of it, makes me nervous and I always feel like an idiot when I talk to him.
“Okay, well. I’m gonna go. I wouldn’t want her to wait.”
“Sure. See you later.”
He nods and leaves.
That confuses me a little bit. If he’s not waiting for Adam… why did he stay behind at all?
Caleb
I like being tired from swimming. It’s the right kind of tired. The type that calms my mind and helps my body sleep at night.
Most times.
It isn’t really working tonight.
‘My mom is picking me up.’ ‘I wouldn’t want her to wait.’
What sort of an idiot am I? Why didn’t I just say ‘Adam will be out in a minute, see you tomorrow?’ It would have been a bit dry, but quite effective. And I wouldn’t have looked like a moron.
I don’t know what I hoped would happen with this conversation. Not only do I never manage to actually talk to him even when I get the chance, but I also know that there is no way I will manage to make him think I cool and that we should hang out more, no matter how hard I try.
Ugh. This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t even be thinking about him that way. It’s not like Adam would be cool with me dating his brother. It’s not like I’m even a hundred percent ready to date boys either. And, most importantly, it’s not like Liam has any interest in dating me.
So why have I been so obsessed with him lately?
I am pretty sure that it is because of his laugh. When he opens up and lets his guard down, he has the easiest laugh ever. It is a pure, happy, contagious sound. And the way his face lights up… Not that it matters that much. It’s not like I am the one making Liam laugh.
It’s also not like I could try to. I always get so flustered when he’s around. Perhaps that’s for the best, though. He’s forbidden, isn’t he? I can’t imagine having that conversation with Adam. What if he gets upset and I lose my best friend?
I get back up and decide to scavenge the kitchen. I am neither hungry nor thirsty, but my body is getting as restless as my mind, and I need to be doing something. Maybe a snack will help.
My mom is there, drinking tea, working on her laptop. She is one of those people who are more productive at night and in a place that isn’t her office. And her blood is probably more caffeine than anything else. At night, she drinks tea because it's ‘healthier,’ and I stopped trying to tell her that it’s really not. She’s the parent.
“You’re up late,” she comments. “You usually sleep like a dead body after practice.”
“Not tonight,” I comment uselessly.
She shuts her laptop and I wish she didn’t. That means a conversation is coming, and she knows how to make me talk. The more time passes, the more afraid I am that she will lead me to things I’m not ready to share with her.
“Problems at school?”
“Not really. My grades are not great, but they are fine, practice is going great…” I shrug it off. Things at school really are fine.
“But that is only one side of school, Baby. Any problems with your friends?”
“Nope. Adam and I are great, I’m still good with the rest of the team, I get along with my classmates… So still not Prom King material, but I’m not a total social pariah either.”
“Girl troubles?”
I pause a second here. Being in the closet used to feel like keeping something private, and that was fine. But lately, not telling her feels like lying, and I am struggling with it as much as I am with the rest of it. “No.”
Her eyes narrow, showing that she is currently over-analyzing these two letters, getting from them more than what I intended.
“Boy troubles?”
“What?”
She sighs and pushes her laptop away. Her attention shifted from work to me. I don’t know if I am ready for that talk. And I don’t know how I feel about it coming from her.
“Caleb, we don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, and I might also be completely wrong. It’s just… a feeling I get about you sometimes.”
I can’t make eye contact with her. How can I be this bad at social interactions? Her hand lands on mine and it helps a bit. Not enough for me to look up.
“Am I wrong?”
I shake my head.
“Okay. I can tell that you don’t want to talk about it, and that’s fine. Whenever you’re ready. But I want you to know something. It’s going to be alright. As scary and challenging as it all might seem now, it’s all going to be fine eventually.”
I could cry right now. I always knew she would be fine with it, but… It’s still such a relief to know for sure. I finally look up and squeeze her hand.
“So. Do you want to talk about your heart problems? We can keep it gender-free.”
“It’s not really ‘problems,’ it’s just… a crush that’s not going anywhere.”
“That is unfortunately how it goes most of the time.”
I roll my eyes at her. “Aren’t you supposed to encourage me and tell me that I am good enough?”
“Oh, Baby, of course, you’re good enough! But in life, you will sometimes happen to like people who won’t like you back. And I’m sure there are a few people who like you without you even realizing it. But in that particular case… why is this crush helpless? Is that person not interested in boys?”
“No, he is.” So much for keeping it gender free. It was nice of her to ask, but… if she knows, if she’s fine with it, there is no need to keep pretending, it there?
“Then what?”
“I don’t really talk to him.”
“Well, then that’s on you, Caleb. You are a lovely boy, and you have so much to offer. Whoever will be able to see that will be so lucky. But no one will be able to guess that if you don’t let them at least get a glance at it.”
“It’s complicated, Mom.”
“How so?”
“It’s Adam’s brother.”
“And if Adam is half the friend he seems to be, he won’t mind. Besides… that’s not really his business, is it?”
I guess not. And I hope she’s right. But I would also appreciate it if she didn’t take away from me the convenient excuse I can hide behind.
Liam
“Which one is the most handsome?” Maisie asks me. We are in the bleachers by the pool. There won’t be a competition for a while, so Adam’s coach is making them have a ‘swim off’ (or whatever Adam told me it was actually called; I usually stop listening whenever it’s about swimming). It is sort of a competition between the members of the team that other students can watch to keep the competitive spirit among the swimmers, or something. There is usually quite a crowd coming to these, partly because there is some gambling happening.
“I’m not playing that game.”
“What’s the point in having a gay best friend if I can’t play that game?”
“My delightful personality? Having someone who’s always there for you? Or who’ll check your math homework? And who will never hit on you?”
“You’re a decent friend,” she admits, falsely picky. “But you have a problem with the swimming team.”
“My brother is in it.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “Don’t be such a baby. No one is asking you to look at your brother. He’s a boy and you’re still attracted to boys, aren’t you? So he can be a swimmer and you can be attracted to other swimmers. Besides, it’s a pretend game. No one is asking you to go down there and ask any of them out.”
I don’t tell her that this is precisely the issue. Adam is just an excuse. This game makes me uncomfortable because I know which boy I find most handsome, and if I go there, I’ll start wishing that this wasn’t just a pretend game, and that would make all the times Caleb comes home to spend time with Adam even weirder.
“Your brother is right,” she declares.
“About what?”
“This attitude is exactly why you don’t have a boyfriend!”
Ah. One of Adam’s favorite hobbies is to remind me that if I were less grumpy, I’d probably already have a boyfriend by now. I don’t mind the joke—I know my brother and his slightly inappropriate sense of humor—but I’m not sure it should spread.
Thankfully, Clara joins us, potentially putting an end to this uncomfortable moment. “Can I sit and cheer with you?”
Clara is Adam’s girlfriend. She’s a senior like him, so I mainly know her from the times she comes home for dinner or, like today, when there is a swimming event. Her friends are not particularly interested and, even if we’re not really friends, we are definitely friendly.
“Sure!” Maisie replies with her usual warm smile that happens to never, ever be fake. “You’re probably going to be more fun than this one.”
“Oh? What is he being a buzzkill about?”
“Picking up the hottest member of the team.”
“Well, of course! The hottest one is his brother. And he’s mine.”
“You just say that because you have to,” Maisie replies. “The hottest one is clearly Tom. Or maybe Caleb.”
The two of them start debating, absolutely not killing the weird moment, and I try to ignore the way my skin slightly tingled when Maisie called out Caleb’s name. That is ridiculous. How did I even develop a crush from history classes and moments stolen from time he was spending with my brother?
It’s not until Clara leaves to wait for Adam by the locker rooms (he won and she wants to be the first one to congratulate him) that I decide to answer my friend’s question.
“Hey, Maisie?”
“Yup?”
“You know your question from before?” I ask as we get into her car. “About the most handsome guy from the team?”
“I said ‘hottest’.”
“Not when you started the game.”
“Whatever. Do you finally have an answer for me?”
“I think it’s Caleb.”
“See? I knew you could do it. Nice choice!” Then her smile freezes slightly and she doesn’t turn the engine on.
“Wait… why are you looking all serious?”
“Because I might be the biggest idiot in the world.”
“What do you mean?”
“I pretend like I don’t notice it, but… when he’s home, I often find excuses to pop into Adam’s room, when we have lunch with them, I tend to be happier in the afternoon, I hate waiting for Adam’s practice to be over except when we give Caleb a ride home, and… I don’t know. I think I might have a low-key crush on him.”
“You call that low-key? If you put that on paper, it’s a love letter.”
“He barely knows who I am.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m pretty sure he notices the extra body in the car when Adam takes him home.”
“Yeah, okay, he knows my name, but that’s about it.”
“I don’t know. He talks to you more than some of his teammates.”
“It doesn’t matter. He’s probably straight anyway.”
“Right. Exactly like the world thought you were before coming out. I mean… yes, he might be. But he might not.” She suddenly looks very excited. “Do you want me to investigate?”
“No. I absolutely do not want you to investigate.”
“Okay. What are you going to do then?”
“Absolutely nothing. I will do what most teenagers do when they have a crush on their older brother’s best friend: I will ignore it.”
Caleb
This is such an Adam thing to do. He is the one who asked me to meet him at his place and when I arrive, he isn’t there. I text him and he replies that he is sorry, he lost track of time and he is still at Clara’s, but he’s leaving now and I should just wait for him inside. Don’t get me wrong: he is reliable and generally punctual. Except when he’s with Clara and time suddenly doesn’t seem to mean much to him anymore.
I don’t even blame him. Good for them if they’re happy when they’re together.
I hesitate for a minute, but then I knock on the door. I’m sure Adam’s parents will let me wait in his room, and that seems like the least uncomfortable option.
“Oh, hi Caleb,” Adam’s mother says with a nice smile as she opens the door. “Adam isn’t here, I’m afraid.”
“I know, he’s running late. He told me it was fine for me to wait for him inside.”
“Of course, it is! You’re always welcome here!” I walk in and I’m about to thank her and disappear into Adam’s room when she does something I didn’t expect. She calls for Liam. He appears at the top of the stairs and frowns when he sees me, confused.
“Honey, your brother is running late. You don’t mind keeping Caleb company, do you?”
“No,” he replies, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. He probably feels awkward about this. We never really hang out, just the two of us.
“Great! I’ll leave you two alone. Caleb, are you staying for dinner?”
“No, not tonight, thank you.” My mom just finished her last big project at work and she won’t have to pull all-nighters for a while.
“Okay. Oh, and Liam? Door open, okay?”
He looks mortified for a moment but nods and turns around. I follow him, feeling like such an imposition. I should just have waited outside.
“Sorry about my mom,” he tells me as we get into his room. “Since I came out, my parents have not mentioned it once, but they have been much more relaxed about Maisie staying over. On the other hand, I can’t be unsupervised with boys anymore.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize your parents didn’t take it well. Adam never mentioned anything.”
“No, he wouldn’t. He tries to bring the subject up now and then, but… my parents are really good at changing the subject. Which we should do now. You probably don’t care. How is training going?”
“I can discuss other things besides swimming, you know?” I reply. He looks embarrassed and I didn’t mean it that way. I just wanted him to stop being so closed-off and defensive.
“You probably don’t want to talk about me coming out to my parents.”
“Why not?”
He shrugs. I can tell that this is a sensitive subject for him. The words come out of my mouth before I can think about them. I guess I wanted to find a way to show him that he isn’t alone and that he can talk about it with me if he wants to. I didn’t fully realize that it would be the first time I would say the words out loud. “At least you could tell them. I had to wait until my mom found out on her own.”
His eyes open wide and he slowly looks up to meet my eyes. “What?”
“No one knows except her. I haven’t even told your brother yet. I just… I don’t know. Felt like it was only fair that you’d know.”
“Adam will be fine with it,” he says, apparently unsure of where he should take this conversation.
“I know. But…”
“But it’s a big step,” he finishes. I nod. “Thanks for sharing this with me,” he adds.
I shrug because I don’t know what else to do. “How is your science project going?” I ask, remembering that he is going to enter some fancy science competition.
“Fine. How do you know about that?”
“You mentioned it in the car.”
He looks pleased and surprised that I would remember. And for the first time ever, I realize that, maybe, by trying to be invisible, I made someone else feel invisible. I wish Liam knew how untrue that is.
Liam
I’m not entirely sure what happened. All I know is that I can’t sleep. Today was… so unexpected.
When Caleb came out to me, I thought he was messing with me. Then I realized that it isn’t who he is. He wouldn’t do that. And that was… a trigger of sorts. It took Adam another half hour or so to get back home and in that time, Caleb and I had a proper conversation. Without Adam as a catalyst. And all the things I liked about him when I could get a glance at them were so much better when I could explore them through a conversation.
He even laughed a couple of times and that felt like such an achievement.
Yes. The crush was definitely there, more alive and vibrant than ever. Of course, just because he is gay doesn’t mean that he is or would ever be interested in me, but it did fill my heart with hope.
And then… as we heard the front door open, indicating that Adam was home—slightly earlier than I’d have liked—I got a text from Maisie. She wanted to know if I’d go to the cinema with her on Sunday. Before I could even realize what I was doing, I was inviting Caleb to come along.
I didn’t care that I was putting him on the spot, Adam already climbing the stairs and calling his name, I didn’t care that Maisie might be upset about me inviting someone, I didn’t care that whatever happened in my room might never happen again and that being around him could potentially go back to being awkward… I didn’t care about much, really. I was just desperate to get another opportunity to see him, away from Adam.
To be fair, I was also fully expecting him to quietly decline, putting his shy mask back on now that Adam’s presence was breaking whatever fragile bond we had just sort of been waving, so it took me a little by surprise when he replied: “I’d love to”.
And then the next thing I knew, I was texting back to Maisie that I already had plans on Sunday.
So here I am now, partly happy, partly guilty.
I can’t wait for tomorrow. But this is also shitty and messed up because… did I just ambush Caleb into a date? I mean… obviously, it’s not a date given that he thinks it’s just hanging out with friends, and I don’t even know if I’d want it to be a date anyway, but… it still doesn’t feel right.
Why do I mess up everything I touch?
To appease the negative feeling in my stomach, I come—partly—clean to Caleb when he shows up at the cinema on Sunday morning. “Maisie won’t be there.” I very much avoid telling him why. “So, er… we can take a raincheck if you want.”
He shrugs. “No, that’s fine. I didn’t come here to hang out with Maisie anyway.”
Does that mean he came to spend time with me? That’s what it means, right?
After the movie, we grab some lunch and that gives us the opportunity to talk a bit more. Like we did in my room. I don’t know what a date is supposed to feel like—Jake and I didn’t really date, we just kissed a bunch of times—but this feels more like spending time with a friend than anything else. Sure, a friend I’d like to kiss a bit more than I ever wanted to kiss Jake, but still.
I am also amazed to realize that although we have pretty much spent all our time together with Adam so far, that was still enough for us to get to know each other. I understand my crush better than ever. It didn’t come out of nowhere. I know this boy. And I think he knows me. Even if we discovered each other on stolen time.
Maybe we can do better now. Maybe we can develop a relationship without my brother in the mix. Even if it’s just friendship. I’d be honored to be his friend. If he wants to.
But then, as we are getting into my car (well… Adam’s car. He didn’t want to lend it to me but Mom made him), he asks me: “Liam… what was this?”
I freeze just before starting the engine and I let go of the wheel, shifting slightly so I can face him. “What do you mean?”
“Today. Is it… were we just hanging out because Maisie didn’t show up and we made the best of that, or was this supposed to be a date?”
I have never been this mortified in my entire life. Somehow, coming out to the world felt easier than replying to his question. But I do it anyway, because not coming clean would make me a very shitty person. “I asked Maisie not to come.”
Caleb
Oh.
It’s a bit of a convoluted way to answer the question but it says it all, really.
Liam looks embarrassed. Ashamed, even. I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t mind. That I’m happy, even. That this is the best possible outcome of my improvised coming out.
So I decide to be brave, much braver than I’ve ever been, and I take his hand. An amazing mix of relief and happiness washes over me as his fingers move to link with mine. There is a tension between us, the good kind, and I know he feels it too.
“My mom is going to like you a lot less now,” he jokes. I chuckle and that seems to relax him a little.
“I think I care about this,” I reply, squeezing his fingers gently, “much more than I care about your mother…”
He smiles but then he adds, serious again: “Is it all going a bit fast? You’re not even out.”
“I told my mom. I told you. We’ll have to tell Adam. Other than that… I don’t really care who knows.”
“Are you sure?”
“A few days ago, I would have been terrified by the prospect. But now… it feels like I have more to gain than to lose.”
His face goes soft and he says, “You’ll see. Being out sucks some days, but… it’s quite freeing.”
“What do you think Adam will say?”
“I don’t know. Do you want me to tell him, or do you want to do it? He’s my brother so it’s easier for me, but he’s your best friend so you might want to handle it yourself.”
“I think we should do it together.”
“Okay. Just let me know when you want to do this. I get it if you want to take it slow and see where it goes before making a big deal out of it.”
“Now,” I reply.
“What?”
“I want to do it today. I’m done hiding behind every excuse I can find. And you and me… I know it might not work, I know we’re still very much discovering each other, I know I have zero experience doing this, but… I also very badly want to try.”
He smiles, looking a little overwhelmed, and then he slowly leans forward. My heart skips a couple of beats when I realize he is about to kiss me. My eyes fall shut the moment before our lips touch.
A sharp pain immediately pierces my stomach, and yet this is the best thing I’ve ever felt. My free hand lands on the nape of his neck, gently keeping him close.
And, suddenly, I don’t care about what Adam might say, how the guys from the team might react, what people will whisper in the hallways… All I can think about is how lucky and happy I feel right now.
It is almost incredible that the boy I like would like me back and that all it took for us to find each other was a single moment when we were both ready to open up.
But I don’t want to analyze that right now. All I want is to push my luck a little longer, keep kissing him, half-hidden in this car, before we have to face the world again.
Although something tells me the world is going to feel so wonderfully different now…